Intentional October Update: Week 3.

This picture above is the view through my kitchen window at 5:30 am. Amazing, how it looks so much brighter in the photo than in real life. I think that's how I need to approach my Intentional October goals - they are brighter and more illuminating than they seem with the naked eye. If you're unfamiliar with what Intentional October is all about, you should check out what it means for me, and how I am attempting change this month.

Update.
The thing is, last week I stated that the central focus of the week would be on community; friends and family. And I had so many rich experiences with my people this week! I had the opportunity to celebrate a dear friend's bachelorette party and wedding shower, AND I threw my little sister a surprise wedding shower! Oh, that was really good stuff - she was legitimately surprised. Mission accomplished. Also, my house looks like the set of The Wedding Planner - anyone need to throw a wedding-themed anything? Because I've got you covered. But in all seriousness, I must admit - the interesting thing is that spending time with my loved ones this week often caused me to bend my core values for Intentional October. You can't go out for a fun bachelorette party and still get tucked into bed at 9:30pm. Not possible. You can't go to the gym and exercise when your son has a broken leg and is out of school for the week. And you really can't wake up early if you've been up all night, sick with a fever, only to discover in the morning that your son has one too. Well, that last scenario was a fluke, and had very little to do with my community. But it's been quite a week!

Let's be honest though. That's life, folks. Life just happens. And I want to talk about that a little.

Beating myself up about skipped goals and bent ideals is only a downward spiral. It's not super productive. So I've been learning to start fresh each day, with margins of grace. Grace for scenarios that aren't as rigid as my goals. That's the only way I will continue to stay motivated and find Intentional October continuously fun and inspired. I'm starting to think of Intentional October as my home-base discipline. It's the marathon of life, not a sprint. Sometimes I won't hit every goal of the day. But then tomorrow, I have a fresh start all over again. It's empowering.

Has anyone else run into this on their Intentional October journey? I'd love to hear about how you've been troubleshooting!

Invest in WORK.
The first few weeks of Intentional October were self-focused. Determining a few goals, creating a sustainable calendar for achievement, and getting into the habit of those chosen disciplines. If you're anything like me, those disciplines are still in flex. Continuing to find their place in my hours each day. This past week we focused on our immediate community - how to positively affect our friends and family. This coming week I want to build upon these principles and see how we can make a positive impact in the work place. What does that look like to you? For each of us, that will look different, because the range of "work place" varies significantly. I just want to encourage you to seek out someone at work that could use encouragement, affirmation, or a little extra attention. Take specific time to think through some work place bottle necks - do you have an idea that would better the environment for everyone involved? Gifting just a little special attention to these things could make a positive impact in your work place, so why not try it? Let's.

You've Got This!
I hope you are all still feeling motivated. My thing is, I want to do know that I did my absolute best at the end of this month-long journey. But I also want to know that I lived life to the fullest and enjoyed the vibrant once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Like watching my sweet modest friend don a silly tiara and veil in public at her bachelorette party. Like watching the shocked look on my sister's face as we all screamed "SURPRISE!!!" at her wickedly fun surprise shower. Like watching my son overcome his broken leg and, STILL, try to walk on it. Smiling at me the whole time. What a little bear. Oh my.

This is the stuff of life. The great moments that I'm not going to miss. And even though there have been moments this week where I've missed a goal here and there, the whole purpose of my goals is to fully embrace THESE moments. And have more of them. And celebrate them. And celebrate me. And celebrate YOU.

Life is beautiful, friends! I believe in your week! Let's make it COUNT!

PS - Did I mention my baby sister is getting married this coming weekend? I'm excited and a mess all at once. Advice for the sister of the bride?! I'm all ears. Or all tears. One of those. :)

"What Are You Proud Of?"

"What Are You Proud Of?"

It was a very good question she posed.

"What are you proud of?"

I glanced around the warmly-lit table, littered with appetizer plates and cocktail napkins, earnestly seeking the eyes of my friends as they processed this question for themselves. These women. Each one present at this table, each one here to celebrate the wonderful year we had. A post-Christmas, post-New Years get together, a celebration of all kinds of sorts. These dear old friends whom I trusted and loved and yet, I didn't know their answer to this question. Which means they probably didn't know mine.

What am I proud of. What am I proud of?

"Babies aside, of course," she qualified.

Well, of course. We all had given birth to our first babies within the past 18 months, so that trump card had to be set aside. Which, in all ways, made the question even more challenging. And surprisingly intimate. Having a baby is such an obvious answer to this question, which meant I would have to dig a little deeper to pinpoint exactly what else I am proud of. What made me proud over the course of the past year? What did I accomplish? What did I surprise myself by doing?

Other than birthing a human?

Suddenly my answer was very very clear. As I began speaking, my body was pulsed with a kind of euphoria that comes from an incredible sense of clarity. It's what we external processors experience when we realize we are finally coming to terms with something as we discuss it. And I want to share this bit of revelation with you today, because my "ah-ha!" is not an obvious one. It's not a duh, I-won-the-Nobel, nailed it!- kind of answer.

I am proud because about 18 months ago, I moved to New York City and attempted my life-long dream of becoming an actress. And I am proud because I kind of fell flat on my face in doing so.

This might seem like the wrong approach. Like, hello Kristen, did you hear the question correctly? But this is precisely why I am proud of what I did. I set my sights on something incredibly scary. And you know what? A lot of things that I was scared of, well, they came true. But I'm here. I lived through it. I didn't crumble.

I want you to imagine the biggest dream in your heart, ever. The thing you're scared to think, let alone actually voice to anyone. The thing that you're so embarrassed that you would ever even dare to dream. The thing that makes you sweat and tremble. That thing, for me, has always been acting. It might always be acting. It's been a life-long hobby, the earliest desire I can remember, a kind of dream vocation, and last year, it was my number one priority. Until I saw this strip turn pink. Suddenly my life just changed. It was no longer my own. But that's another story. Not the story I'm here to tell you today.

But when I moved to New York (three months prior to the whole strip-changing-pink-thing), I did so without any real connections in the business. I decided to dig my heels into the swirling world of auditioning for television and commercial roles in hopes of landing some awesome gig and then, you know, figured I'd be hitting the Oscars parties later in the year. Just kidding (I mean, only a little.) But I was committed to this dream. I built myself a business plan. Fresh head shots, brand new website, new reel, new business cards, the works. And I put myself out there in a big way. I auditioned for an artist development program (and got it!), landed two agents and a talent manager, and auditioned for all kinds of roles that made me uncomfortable and challenged and sweaty. So sweaty. I carried deodorant and applied it in the elevators on my way up to each audition room. I got lost on the subway, attempting to find my way to different studios around town. Clutching my headshot and resume, and later, pregnancy books and healthy snacks (to keep me busy in the waiting rooms), I did some strange auditions. Once I was asked to portray complete "frailty" and vulnerability by using only my facial features. "No words?" I asked, trembling and clenching the script close to my heart. The script they had given me, the one I had memorized. "Forget the words," the director answered. "Feel the moment. Use your expression." Ummmmm k. Then they ran the camera for 5 minutes of silence. That was awkward. Needless to say, I was pretty frail and vulnerable when I left that audition. And no, I did not get the part.

In fact, that brings me to what I wanted to share with you next. I didn't get the part. I didn't get hardly any parts. I was in New York for just shy of a year, and I don't really have any substantial *wins* to my acting resume from that experience. I just auditioned a lot. I auditioned several times each week. I took a ton of classes, usually along with 2-3 seminars per week. I had private coaching sessions. I met with agents and casting directors and other actors. I made actor friends. I made a fool of myself so often. Each time I stepped out my apartment door, I took a deep breath and knew that I was walking into the unknown. Knew that I could get asked all kinds of strange questions in the audition room. Knew that I had to prepare for literally anything. "Get down on the floor and bark like a dog", could be the direction once I got in that audition room, and I had to prepare myself for that. I pushed all kinds of personal limits and challenged myself every day. I was really, truly, squeamishly uncomfortable for the good part of a year.

And I have very little to show for it. At least on paper.

And you know what? I feel really, really proud of this. I do! I am proud of being a risk taker and going for my dream. So often, people only share their harrowing stories once they accomplish their big dream. I'm here today to tell you that you don't just have to be proud of yourself once a big, monumental, Frodo-esque journey is behind you. I am proud of myself for the strange, semi-awkward, mid-journey swagger of which I am currently toeing the line.

I am a work in progress.

I am not finished becoming me.

I am not finished taking risks.

I didn't become a famous, accomplished actress last year. I did everything in my power, everything I knew to do, even after I became pregnant, and you know what? My dream did not come true. It just didn't. But that's not the end of my dream or the end of my story. I didn't shrivel up and just die.

Instead of the year being all about me and my dreams, it became all about this crazy wonderful unexpected little person named Everett. So even though I invested all this time and energy into my own self, it became entirely about someone else. Him.

I became his mom. That was an enormous surprise to me. And you know what's funny? Becoming a mom, well, that's someone else's big dream. And somewhere out there, someone who always dreamed of becoming a mom is probably having the big break of their lives in Hollywood because they just nailed an audition for a killer part. That. Is life. *Cue this Alanis Morissette jam*

Do I question the timing of everything? Sure, who wouldn't. But I want to encourage you, especially if you're mulling over the dreams in your own heart, the personal risks that you have taken, and the supposed "failures" that you've had. If you feel like you fit into one of those categories, I congratulate you. You are awesome for taking a risk and for enduring all the voices who said you couldn't/shouldn't do it. Because that incredible risk you took, well, did it kill you? If you're still breathing while you read this, it didn't. Which means your likely to take another risk in your long, delicately lovely life. And for those of you who are pre-risk? You are toying around with the idea of doing something "insane" to go after your dream? I encourage you to do it. There might be all kinds of "failure" at the end of the rainbow. There might really be. Or there might be an entirely new opportunity that ironically appears like a diamond in the rough. You might realize your dream has morphed. You might realize the dream isn't really the dream. You might realize you embody the person you've always wanted to be, and the dream was just a driver to get you to that personal place of bliss and success.

Welcome to the club. This isn't the club of snazzy do-ers. This is the haven for risk-takers and situation-celebrators. The lemonade-makers, the challenge-attractors and the laugh-instead-of-cry-at-my-circumstance-ers. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me.

Happening Lately.

// 1. Bedtime is equating to sleep time these days. HALLELUJAH HANDS. // 2. Sweet Auburn Barbeque in the Highlands. Rad spot, less rad parking. // 3. 4 hawks in the sky. Oh wait. Those are vultures. // 4. Our little family out and about this weekend. Happy 1st birthday to baby Ethan! Everett has friends yall. //

Happening Lately.

The new year is a little less new these days. There has been an attempt in our household for a bit of grounding, refreshing and re-focus. Probably like many of you, my little family is grasping for our center of gravity and licking our lips in anticipation of Spring. I know, we have a while to go. But we live in Georgia this year! Which means spring is coming sooner for us than it has in years! Our stints in Boston and New York really left a freezer-burn kind of scar on our hearts in terms of the monumentally blistery winters. I will gleefully accept a pass this year and prematurely skip on into the sunshine, if the groundhog allows such a frivolous delight. BRING IT, LITTLE HEDGEHOG.

Our life lately:

1. SLEEP.

People. We have been sleeping. THERE HAS BEEN SLEEP IN THIS HOME. It's been a long road (almost 6 months) of gently nudging my child into the direction of a peaceful state of rest. I haven't been shy about it. I haven't modestly pretended like I have it all together, as if we have nailed this whole "having a baby"-thing. I have not had it together. I have not slept well in over a year (pregnancy can do a great job robbing you of that, too.) I've read the books and tried the methods. And I have been pretty vocal in asking, nay, begging for help. Some of your suggestions have worked. For like 3 days. And then things would change again. But I am happy to announce that for the month of January, my son has sifted into a much more manageable sleeping routine at night (still working on the daily naps situation, more about that below.) But these days, we are putting him down to bed between 7-7:30 pm, and he sleeps until about 3:30 am. Halle-LU-jah. I change him and feed him then, and then he's up again at 6:30 am. That's usually when I whisper to him about the wonders of dreaming and MORE sleep and I prod him into another mini-slumber, always attempting to inch him past the 7:30 am mark. Sometimes it works. But the point is, this routine. Is SO doable. I mean, we aren't in the sleeping-through-the-night phase, but we are close. Closer. We are ballparkin' it. Thanks to everyone who willingly shared their stories and encouraged me - you have no idea how valuable your kindness was during a time that can only be described as the dark night of my soul.

2. Getting Out. 

You know what happens when you get sleep? You feel normal again. I'm not saying that I feel normal yet (or that I expect I ever will! What is "normal" anyway?), but I'm starting to feel normal-ish again. I have the urge to leave my house. Do things. Eat meals in exotic places. Like Panera. You know, that kind of thing. I even ventured to Atlanta the other day and enjoyed

a tasty birthday lunch

celebrating my girl Tricia. That's right. Stella is getting her groove back.

3. My Goals.

My birdwatching is going very well, thank you for asking. I learned this week that all the hawks I've been thinking I've been seeing... well, a lot of them are turkey vultures. Womp womp. They walk like a hawk and talk like a hawk, but hawk they are not. They are a vulture. Yuck. The angle of the wingspan and finger-like feathers are a dead give away, so now I can spot the difference in the sky! And we still have our one close, personal hawk friend who frequents the back yard and sits on the brick fence. He'd rad. I've named him Moonhawk, for the gloriously Moonstone-colored feathers that warm his broad chest. He is most welcome here. Also, other than the bird watching, I've been *attempting* to meal prep a bit more so we eat healthier.

This gal inspires me. And last week I worked out 5 times! This week... well, I'm currently sipping coffee and eating a breakfast cookie. Yes. Breakfast cookies are a thing. Moving on.

4. Normalizing Routine?

I'm going to say two normal words that equate to one valiantly mysterious phrase: baby + schedule. This has been my Everest as of late. What in the world. How in the heck. WHAT IS A BABY SCHEDULE. How to get a child to nap on a schedule? I've started to notice ebbs and flows in Everett's sleeping urges, but it's not consistent enough to follow on a daily basis. And the thing is... I want this schedule more for me. Yes, the selfish truth is just that. If he could stick to a plan, I could get a few things done around here! I mean, when am I supposed to clean? Shower? Blog?! MAKE BREAKFAST COOKIES. I've started asking moms about their schedule, but it all seems so cryptic. Share your secrets, women! There are people in the world (cough*me*cough) who need to glean from your treasured knowledge and experience!

Fun Around the Web.

Just a few fun things I had to share because they made me smile this week.

This cop jamming out with his sassy bad self to "Shake it Off". I can't stop giggling.

I am still infatuated with Designlovefest's Dress Your Tech posts. It's like a free present every month! I won't stop sharing these with you because they are just so indulgent.

I feel like a lady again because I bought this organic lip glaze and it's super, ultra pink. I feel like I should smack my bubble gum and twirl my hair. Girl alert.

Also, have you entered my giveaway in partnership with Turbans for Tots? We are giving away this adorable Sibling Set, which is for a boy and girl, consisting of a bow tie (for him) and a hair bow headband (for her) - this Turbans for Tots stuff is so cute! You can enter the giveaway here up to three times and the winner will be announced and contacted next week. Share with your friends and deck out the littles of your life!

Love to you all.

Resolutions. Lists. Mindgames. Whatnot.

Resolutions. Lists. Whatnot.

Resolutions are silly.

And yet I am SO typical. I want to do all the ones that are just completely run-of-the-mill and obvious. Exercise more. Read more. Watch less TV. Learn something new. Blah blah blah. This post is much more for my own sake but sometimes it's fun to share the loopy journey our minds take during the month of January. I don't think you have to be super Type-A to feel the resolution energy. It's another thing entirely to actually do something with that mind energy. Here's my scrawling list of resolution-esque things to play around with over the next few months.

Work It.

Obviously, exercise and get back in shape. Like for REAL shape. It's been a long time since I've had a waist, due to this. And I've been rocking this lingering double chin a bit longer than I had anticipated. I got a gym membership a while ago. I've been twice.

A note about this: I can differentiate this goal from previous years because I don't want to exercise to achieve some kind of bikini body (omgaaaah is that season coming soon? Curses.) I really, really want to be strong. And able. To chase my child around and keep up with him and be healthy for him. It's amazing how growing your family really showcases your own personal weaknesses. And I don't just mean emotionally and sleep deprived and all that. I mean physically, too. That child just wears me out. And I'm young! I want more children! I am realizing that I have to strengthen my core, my back, my legs and arms - just to keep up with the daily lifting and moving and playing that we do. I shouldn't be feeling tired at 11am and have sore knees and headaches all the time. Clearly, some things are out of balance. I'm still mulling over some serious changes in diet, vitamins and supplements (that are all breastfeeding-friendly!), but in the meantime, figuring out how to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine would be a really rad start.

Paint Stuff.

I want to get back into painting with watercolors. Once upon a time I DID THIS. Just for funsies. I just think it would be really lovely to spend my afternoons watercoloring. Don't laugh. And don't remind me that I have a newborn and I can barely keep our doctors appointments straight, let alone HAVE A HOBBY. I already know all of this. But I'd like to defy the odds. I'd like to watercolor paint again. So there. Although, it does sort of seem like the kind of thing you see some French babe do in a movie and nowhere else.

"Is that a Ferruginous or a Red-Tail?"

And birdwatching. I really want to get into birdwatching. And maybe have a bird passport. You know. For marking off all the exotic birds I want to see in my lifetime. The non-exotic ones should count, too. We've got some hawks in our neighborhood that I've started naming :) I really like this particular "goal", because I can bird watch in my back yard. I can bird watch today. I can look out the window and see birds. NAILED IT. Moving on.

Write "Me".

I've been assessing this little blog of mine. I love it. It's not perfect, it's not exactly what I envision, and there are things I've love to change/do more of/do less of. But mostly I'd like to continue to make strides to grow it in a way that is organic, fun and "me". I am grateful for this forum as a way to document our family's journey and celebrate life's sublime moments. I'm so grateful for how it's connected me to such wonderful friends and the broader online community. Yes, there is a lot of hate on the Internet. But not everywhere.

I hesitate to really expand beyond these goals because having a lengthy to-do list of resolutions is the most surefire way to accomplish nothing. I mean, I bought a planner this year, so I might actually show up somewhere on time in the very near future. That would be PROGRESS. I'm ready to reel my life back in and focus a little bit more on my personal wellness and development. I share these little goals with you because I know many of you are sifting through your own goals, both personal and career-oriented, and sometimes it helps to share in the journey together. To keep accountable. To encourage. To watch birds.

What are your goals? Have any tips on how to follow through? I would love to hear!