Finding Clarity in a Season of Uncertainty.

Note: I wrote this post in June 2020, but didn’t feel the peace to publish it. I took a long break from blogging and even though I wrote a lot during that time, I didn’t feel like I was in a season to share. I was just processing a lot. However, I feel complete peace in sharing this post now. It still resonates so strongly with me, it describes where I’ve been, and I hope it encourages those of you who have been through your own time of silence + solitude during this long Covid season (and post season!) All the pics are from June 2020, too, when I cut off my hair!
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It’s been a weighty season, which is probably the biggest understatement of 2020. Oh how I wish things had gone differently these past 6 months. How I wish I had been better prepared for the unknown. How I wish I had responded better, had more grace, had more capacity, had more empathy, understanding, love and answers, etc. etc.

I WISH I HAD MORE CLOROX WIPES.

I could wish wish wish. It’s okay to wish. It’s just not all that productive.

So I decided to exchange my wishing for something infinitely more nutritious. I’ve been meditating a lot. Leaning into my faith. Reading my bible. I feel like my generation is inundated with so much messaging, so many podcasts and blog posts and book marks and videos and resources (and lets be real, ADS), that as people of faith, sometimes we can simply forget what Jesus gave us - his Holy Spirit and His Word (aka the bible). That’s THE equipment, according to Him. Those other things aren’t bad, they just aren’t meant to be the main thing. In this season I have felt a call to deepen my faith in what I know to be true. I don’t have answers to the world’s problems, but I know that He does, so in an effort to be a rock for my own mental health, my own family and then also for my community, I have been taking more time than ever to read the bible and meditate on the words I read.

What do I really think about what it says? Does it line up with what I think?

I’ve been allowing myself to pause, to really think for myself.

Will I allow my circumstances to define my response to culture? Or will I allow His words to fill my mind and soul, to fuel my response?

I decided that I wouldn’t move, or speak, or have an opinion, until I felt peace.

Which is why I’ve been quiet on social media.

Which is why I’ve been listening when people talk, without forming my own response while they talk. Just listening. It’s taken an active amount of energy to listen without forming opinions immediately. And that’s been a really good exercise.

I’m still seeking His peace daily, but I can honestly say I have been fighting for the peace every single day FOR MONTHS and I have felt so much victory in this season of simultaneous darkness, confusion and pain.

Taking a side step away from social media and this blog over the past few months wasn’t on purpose. It was simply because I didn’t have the time to devote to it while I was needed 100% at home to homeschool my kids and feed everyone and do all the mom/wife stuff of life when Covid-19 came on the scene in March. And since then, with so much upheaval and so many loud voices in the media and on social media shouting so very loudly, I felt drawn to the quiet. Silence has been greatly nourishing for my soul. At any moment that I’ve stepped outside of the quiet, I’ve craved it deeply and quickly returned to its comfort, feasting my mind on the sweetness of silence and solitude.

I find it odd that I’ve had to fight for peace, for quiet in my own mind, and for solitude in my soul. But what a worthy fight, friends!

I’ve learned a few things. I actually feel older! Does anyone else resonate?! I won’t allow the world to demand anything from me. I’ve determined that He, God alone, can demand something from me and illicit a response, but in His kindness I haven’t found His presence to demand anything of me. Just for me to be here, be near to Him, love Him well and love my family well. In an overflow of His love, I will have capacity to respond to the weight of the world, but without Him I tend to fall like a deck of cards. So, when I find myself falling apart, I retreat back into His Word and the darling quiet of His presence, and start again from there. This isn’t a formula, it’s just simply worked.

I’m dipping my toe back into this space because I love it and I love writing. I honestly miss the blogging era of the early Internet days, pre-Instagram stories, when people actually sat down to their computers with a cup of coffee and 5 minutes to read a few paragraphs. That was the way that I enjoyed reading blogs and still do, so I’m reverting back to “the good old days” of blogging and going to pretend like that’s whats still happening in this space. I feel like one of those people who is stuck wearing out of style clothes because they fit and they feel really good, even if they aren’t cool or in style anymore. I am very okay with being off-trend these days, and you’re welcome to join me here if the fit is just right for you, too. Isn’t it kind of funny that mom jeans are like, back in style? It’s like we’re all craving a slice of life from back when things were a bit simpler.

Let’s just all agree that we can disagree and it doesn’t have to be a major disappointment. As we prepare to re-enter another school year (whether it be virtually or home school or in a traditional space, Lord only knows right now!), let’s band together in a special brand of unity. Our cohesive human condition right now is one that could use so much grace, so much room for each one of us to be our own selves and to lift each other up in encouragement. Mask or no mask, democrat or republican, quarantine or mingling - whatever! I just want to encourage us all (myself included) to lean into the peace that God gives us all so freely, one that “passes all understanding”. And until we feel His peace, may we quiet all the loud voices and opinions.

Just a few of my thoughts this evening. Gonna hit “save and publish” on this one, like the good ol’ days before I hardcore edited every word and photo until all the imperfect grit has disappeared entirely. Bringing my typos and blurry photos and flawed self here. It’s been a while, but it feels GOOD.

Love to all of you friends.