Finding Clarity in a Season of Uncertainty.

Note: I wrote this post in June 2020, but didn’t feel the peace to publish it. I took a long break from blogging and even though I wrote a lot during that time, I didn’t feel like I was in a season to share. I was just processing a lot. However, I feel complete peace in sharing this post now. It still resonates so strongly with me, it describes where I’ve been, and I hope it encourages those of you who have been through your own time of silence + solitude during this long Covid season (and post season!) All the pics are from June 2020, too, when I cut off my hair!
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It’s been a weighty season, which is probably the biggest understatement of 2020. Oh how I wish things had gone differently these past 6 months. How I wish I had been better prepared for the unknown. How I wish I had responded better, had more grace, had more capacity, had more empathy, understanding, love and answers, etc. etc.

I WISH I HAD MORE CLOROX WIPES.

I could wish wish wish. It’s okay to wish. It’s just not all that productive.

So I decided to exchange my wishing for something infinitely more nutritious. I’ve been meditating a lot. Leaning into my faith. Reading my bible. I feel like my generation is inundated with so much messaging, so many podcasts and blog posts and book marks and videos and resources (and lets be real, ADS), that as people of faith, sometimes we can simply forget what Jesus gave us - his Holy Spirit and His Word (aka the bible). That’s THE equipment, according to Him. Those other things aren’t bad, they just aren’t meant to be the main thing. In this season I have felt a call to deepen my faith in what I know to be true. I don’t have answers to the world’s problems, but I know that He does, so in an effort to be a rock for my own mental health, my own family and then also for my community, I have been taking more time than ever to read the bible and meditate on the words I read.

What do I really think about what it says? Does it line up with what I think?

I’ve been allowing myself to pause, to really think for myself.

Will I allow my circumstances to define my response to culture? Or will I allow His words to fill my mind and soul, to fuel my response?

I decided that I wouldn’t move, or speak, or have an opinion, until I felt peace.

Which is why I’ve been quiet on social media.

Which is why I’ve been listening when people talk, without forming my own response while they talk. Just listening. It’s taken an active amount of energy to listen without forming opinions immediately. And that’s been a really good exercise.

I’m still seeking His peace daily, but I can honestly say I have been fighting for the peace every single day FOR MONTHS and I have felt so much victory in this season of simultaneous darkness, confusion and pain.

Taking a side step away from social media and this blog over the past few months wasn’t on purpose. It was simply because I didn’t have the time to devote to it while I was needed 100% at home to homeschool my kids and feed everyone and do all the mom/wife stuff of life when Covid-19 came on the scene in March. And since then, with so much upheaval and so many loud voices in the media and on social media shouting so very loudly, I felt drawn to the quiet. Silence has been greatly nourishing for my soul. At any moment that I’ve stepped outside of the quiet, I’ve craved it deeply and quickly returned to its comfort, feasting my mind on the sweetness of silence and solitude.

I find it odd that I’ve had to fight for peace, for quiet in my own mind, and for solitude in my soul. But what a worthy fight, friends!

I’ve learned a few things. I actually feel older! Does anyone else resonate?! I won’t allow the world to demand anything from me. I’ve determined that He, God alone, can demand something from me and illicit a response, but in His kindness I haven’t found His presence to demand anything of me. Just for me to be here, be near to Him, love Him well and love my family well. In an overflow of His love, I will have capacity to respond to the weight of the world, but without Him I tend to fall like a deck of cards. So, when I find myself falling apart, I retreat back into His Word and the darling quiet of His presence, and start again from there. This isn’t a formula, it’s just simply worked.

I’m dipping my toe back into this space because I love it and I love writing. I honestly miss the blogging era of the early Internet days, pre-Instagram stories, when people actually sat down to their computers with a cup of coffee and 5 minutes to read a few paragraphs. That was the way that I enjoyed reading blogs and still do, so I’m reverting back to “the good old days” of blogging and going to pretend like that’s whats still happening in this space. I feel like one of those people who is stuck wearing out of style clothes because they fit and they feel really good, even if they aren’t cool or in style anymore. I am very okay with being off-trend these days, and you’re welcome to join me here if the fit is just right for you, too. Isn’t it kind of funny that mom jeans are like, back in style? It’s like we’re all craving a slice of life from back when things were a bit simpler.

Let’s just all agree that we can disagree and it doesn’t have to be a major disappointment. As we prepare to re-enter another school year (whether it be virtually or home school or in a traditional space, Lord only knows right now!), let’s band together in a special brand of unity. Our cohesive human condition right now is one that could use so much grace, so much room for each one of us to be our own selves and to lift each other up in encouragement. Mask or no mask, democrat or republican, quarantine or mingling - whatever! I just want to encourage us all (myself included) to lean into the peace that God gives us all so freely, one that “passes all understanding”. And until we feel His peace, may we quiet all the loud voices and opinions.

Just a few of my thoughts this evening. Gonna hit “save and publish” on this one, like the good ol’ days before I hardcore edited every word and photo until all the imperfect grit has disappeared entirely. Bringing my typos and blurry photos and flawed self here. It’s been a while, but it feels GOOD.

Love to all of you friends.

Ideas, Resources & Optimism in Times Like These.

How are you, friends?! HOW ARE YOU REALLY.

In the midst of fighting this global pandemic (COVID-19), I shared here and here some thoughts on Instagram, because that is where so many of us go to check in with each other. However, I wanted a chance to share more here on my blog - especially some of the resources I’ve found helpful as we navigate a new normal over here as a family.

We are living in a time like no other people group ever has. We are the first generation with so much technology, information and news at our fingertips. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

Whether this “new normal” is for a few weeks or a few months has yet to be determined! I am grateful for the reminder that in times like these, choosing to be optimistic doesn’t mean having to feel or act happy all the time. It’s perfectly fine to have “meh” moments and feel sad, angry, confused and overwhelmed. I can still choose optimism while I am simultaneously feeling these other feelings, too.

We have actually been navigating a new normal over here for a while, as a family. After Rhys was born 4 months ago, I fought a staph infection for a few months, which kept me home bound (along with the whole “healing from a c-section and feeding a baby constantly” thing), so I have actually been adopting a hermit-ish culture of my own as of late. I have a lot more to share about that little capsule of time, but I’m going to wait until this whole pandemic is past us because we have enough health information overload right now.

However, in light of the past week where the entire world has changed, and everyone has been encouraged to practice social distancing and limit exposure to others - now we are all in the same situation. We are probably all having our moments of processing this new circumstance we facing - staying home while working and educating our children. I know that I am personally fine one moment and then NOT fine the next - it’s a process of unfoiling what I think and feel about all of this. Processing all the impact, all the losses. While trying to stay strong for my family and providing a good structure so that everyone feels safe and cared for. It’s a lot to think about! Thank goodness we have each other to bounce ideas off of! Never have I been more thankful for social media, the Internet, texting and FaceTime. Here are a few things I have been compiling over the past 10 days or so, specific to homeschooling and family life, and hopefully this will help as you navigate your situation as well…

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our homeschool schedule.

We moved some things around and have turned our dining room into a homeschool space for the boys. The new set up and having a schedule helped me so much last week. We have been starting school a little later in the morning than we normally would than if we were actually going to school, which has helped me (and the boys!) sleep a little more. Great immune-boosting for us all! Here’s the rest:

8 - 9am - Get dressed, clean rooms, have breakfast
9 - 11 - School lessons
11-12 - Free play (we call them “centers” because for some reason that makes it feel official - usually megablocks, magnatiles, or STEM building toys)
12 -12:30 - Clean up, make & eat lunch
12:30 - 1 - Read a book OR Listen to a story (more about that below), free coloring
1 - 3ish - Nap time! Rest time for Everett (he chooses quiet activities he can do alone - reading and playing LEGOs)
3 - 4 - Outside time (depending on the weather) or special project (a craft or something from our activity jar)
4 - 5 - Watch a TV show while I prep dinner
5:30pm - Dinner
7:00/7:30 - Bath, books, bedtime

With the weather being so beautiful last week, we actually got up and took a walk immediately before breakfast, almost daily. That helped so much! We all need the movement and vitamin D! So when the weather is good, I will gladly throw this schedule out the window and then dive into the outdoors instead! ;)

RESOURCES FOR HOMESCHOOL LIFE.

In addition to the lessons and videos our wonderful school is sending, I am so grateful for all the free resources that are being offered around the web! Here are a few that we are aware of and trying out:

1. Scholastic Learn at Home Lessons (FREE)
I love how simple and straightforward these are. Everett keeps asking to do more of them!
2. Radish Kids Cooking Kit (FREE)
We snagged this before they sold out, but if you add your name to the wait list they will let you know when they restock these free kits!
3. Audible Stories (FREE)
I actually started using audible a few months ago for myself and immediately got obsessed (been working my way through all the Jane Austens!) But even for those who don’t have an account and don’t want a monthly membership, Audible is offering a selection of family and kid-friendly books for absolutely free. I am thrilled about this. We’ve been listening to a few every day and its a great calm-down activity before naptime.
4. KiwiCo At Home Activities (FREE)
We don’t have a subscription to this (although I’m thinking about it - would love to hear if you have enjoyed a subscription here!) but they are providing a ton of free resources to parents and kids with activities, DIYs and more ;)
5. Lovevery
This baby/toddler subscription kit contains Montessori-style learning toys that I am looking into for Rhys specifically. He is getting to the age where he needs more interaction and its coming at a time where I have to divide my focus between the 3 boys all throughout the day. I think this will help all of us interact with him but I haven’t pulled the trigger on it yet - would love input if you’re currently using this!
6. ABC Mouse (FREE)
I haven’t used ABC Mouse before, but if your school requests access here, there is a free code available to use this subscription service for 2-8 year olds. If you don’t want to wait for access, there is a free 30-day trial available as well.

TIPS FOR HOMESCHOOL LIFE.

I am so grateful that so many of you sent great ideas in to share! Especially you veteran OG homeschool mamas, you are the real heroes. A few ideas and reminders I was sent:

1. PLAY is the best way for young kiddos to learn. 1-2 hours of school per day for elementary age children.
2. Cook something together + read something together. These are major building blocks for learning (math + English).
3. Idea Jar - Fill a jar with 20+ activity ideas that are tailored to your kid’s ages. A few examples: letter writing, dance party, plant some seeds, play a board game, FaceTime a friend, choose someone to say a prayer for, put together a puzzle, play with LEGOs, listen to an audiobook, scavenger hunt, bake something, read a Bible story, build a fort, play in the yard, etc.
4. FaceTime read to friends! Let your kids pick a book and then record yourself reading it to them. Then send it to cousins, best friends, whoever has kids and would love a special video message book for their kids! One mama told me it helped her kiddos not get so bored with their own books.
5. Don’t stress. Little kids might not remember the impact of this virus (the way we adults will), but they WILL remember what it felt like to be at home with their parents - they will remember the time spent together, the meals shared, the board games played, the prayers spoken. Lets keep that in the very top of our minds as we respond to situations that occur at home.

TIPS FOR NOT GOING INSANE.

1. Exercise! Exercise outside (for and hour or more, ideally) has been especially KEY for all of us.

2. Get creative! I downloaded Jenny Highsmith’s FREE hand lettered coloring pages for myself! The kids have more than enough resources at their fingertips, and my sitting with them and coloring alongside has been really helpful and therapeutic for me personally.

3. Incorporate chores throughout the day. This way, you aren’t stuck with a mess at the end of the day! Stevie and I are keeping the kitchen spotless right now, because we both feel stress triggers if the kitchen is a mess while we are all occupying the same spaces.

4. Cry. It’s okay to cry. There’s a lot happening. I also have taken little breathing breaks on the porch. Just 5 deep cleansing breaths makes SUCH a difference to me. Especially when I pair it with a rollerball swipe of my favorite essential oil (Balance or Elevation are incredible).

5. When in doubt, POPCORN AND MOVIE. It’s the ultimate save.

My prayers are with us all. Stay safe and healthy, friends!

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Little Valentine.

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Sweater / Jeans / Shoes / Onesie

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We have been living in a cocoon of warmth and love during these past 12 weeks. I have been slow with things. I have been healing, resting, snuggling and mostly content with keeping that on repeat. Every few days or so I get the inkling to get out, go to Target for toilet paper, grab a matcha latte - so I do. But I am always hungry to return home and cozy up again. This little boy really has my heart. Really really. They all do.

This season isn’t forever. I am really enjoying it for what it is, because my Rhys guy is already growing a lot. It’s happening so fast this time, so I am slowing my steps around the house, pouring an extra mug of hot coffee, and trying to take stock in the seemingly mundane moments. Just today, he already feels heftier than yesterday. Those 3am feedings are weighing heavy on my sleep deprivation and heavy in his limbs. Blessed chunky thighs. The very both of us.

My dad told me something wonderful the other day. He called me to say hi, and asked how I was doing, to which I replied kind of sarcastically, "Oh you know, just cleaning and diapering and feeding all the people over here. Being really glamorous.” And he said, “Kristen - real life isn’t glamorous. Always remember that.”

It really struck me.

It struck me because, while I really like what I’m doing with my time, I also find myself frustrated with what I’m doing with my time. Hear me - I love being a mom. I was made for this. But sometimes I get in my head that I’m not doing enough, accomplishing enough, contributing enough or changing the world enough. I’m not building a career or making a noticeable rippling effect, not challenging the conventional or using my mind to solve major problems. I’m, you know, scrubbing dishes and doing endless loads of laundry (so much laundry!) It’s mundane. It’s not glamorous. It’s these visceral things that make our life go round, but it isn’t really fun. It certainly isn’t sexy. There is no employee or the month around here, no recognition for these alone hours I spend building a home life. Please hear me - Stevie is incredibly kind and affirming to me and what I do for our family. I’m not feeling resentful at all. I’m not complaining or seeking sympathy - but this is something that all moms feel, surely. Whether you are working in the home or outside of the home, we moms are working more hours than anyone ever sees or knows.

And even though I feel these things, I also feel a tremendous, overarching amount of love in what I do. Being a woman is so complex. There are so many feelings!

I remind myself - my career right now is my family. I’m changing the world by loving on these goofy maniac boys, disciplining them and pouring into them, shepherding their hearts. Asking them questions. Asking them what they think about something, before telling them what I think. I’m solving major problems by teaching them to solve their own, like how to get dressed by themselves (Daxton) or how to finish up the LEGO dinosaur (Everett). I’m making a rippling effect because their life is being formed bit by bit everyday, in the moments that I try to exemplify righteously and the moments I least expect them to learn from. Those moments when Stevie and I have a misunderstanding or disagreement - they’re watching. The moments when traffic is heavy (ugh, Atlanta) and I’m frustrated - they’re learning from me. My love is permeating in the intentional things I’m aware that I’m doing, “Let’s read a book! Let’s do a puzzle!” and the unintentional, like when I’m on my phone and one of them is trying to tell me a story about their day.

I’m not perfect. This isn’t glamorous. Sometimes this isn’t fun at all.

But the love I feel for my family is powerful. When I dig in, and get over my me-me-me rant that sometimes takes over, just for a bit, I remember why I am doing this. This love thing. It’s so vibrant, so big. It’s pulsing in my chest, motivating my every step, encouraging my heart to lean in further. Guiding my words. This unglamorous kind of love.

This is the kind of love that is encircling my mind today, as we celebrate Valentines Day. It’s more than a romance for me in my current state of life - it’s the surrender, the sacrifice, the very most un-glamorous love. Tonight, Stevie and I will sink onto the couch and eat a home-cooked something and watch a funny-something on Netflix to celebrate this day, after the 3 boys have been hastily put to bed. They will undoubtedly come out of their rooms several times, “needing water” or another snuggle, or asking what show we are watching, trying to sneak a peek. Then the baby monitor will go off, and Rhys will be hungry again. Then we will clean the kitchen, and it will be so romantic. You know, with kitchen gloves on and scrubbing bubbles and dancing around the downstairs with the Dyson. Then we will crawl into bed, too exhausted for anything more than just this. It won’t be glamorous. It just won’t be. But it also won’t be forever. We are certainly “in it” but this is the kind of love that I’m so grateful for, so appreciative of. The kind of love that is really a dream come true, even if I’m not really dreaming at all because who actually sleeps with a newborn?

Real love isn’t glamorous, but gosh, it is so, so SO good.

Introducing Rhys David: A Birth Story.

Sharing birth stories is always vulnerable. However, I know how helpful it has been for me during each of my pregnancies, to read others’ birth stories as a way to prepare for my own births ahead. Each of my births have been extremely unique, and none of them have gone as I prepared & planned for. Rhys’s story takes the cake for being extreme in both the birth AND the postpartum healing journey. Way to go, bud. You owe me a cupcake.

I share this in hopes of encouraging others that although birth is full of the unexpected, it is still a beautiful gift from God and IT IS WORTH IT. No matter how you deliver, no matter how you and the baby make it through - it is worth it! I never want my story to instill fear about pregnancy or birth - this is simply my truth and I share it only to encourage others that the unexpected CAN and WILL happen during birth, but you are more than able to handle it. Giving birth has taught me how freaking awesome I am. How tough I am. If I could give my former, pre-mother self ANY advice, I would tell her to be brave and be prepared for the things she least expects. I would tell her to lean into her gut instincts when she is faced with difficult decisions. I would tell her that she is absolutely stronger than she imagines she ever could be. And I would tell her to pray pray pray because God is very present during birth and he answers prayers - it just sometimes looks differently than you would expect.

Here’s my birth story with Rhys.

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On November 9, 2019, I couldn’t help it - I was up early. The sun was streaming through the fingerprint-streaked windows. I showered, dried my hair, even applied makeup. Because I knew today was one of the most important days of my life - I would be meeting my baby on this very day! Today! Rhys was going to be born! I was going to be holding him today!

Let me tell you how I knew.

A BIT OF BACKGROUND.

This pregnancy was a challenging one for me. My pregnancy and delivery with my second son Daxton resulted in an emergency c-section (he was 9 lbs. 8 oz.), so I was being watched closely during these 9 months. I was seeing a high-risk specialist to make sure Rhys was growing well and wasn’t getting too big, too quickly in my belly. I watched my weight, cut out sugar, and exercised in an attempt to slow the weight gain, but I know now it didn’t make enough of a difference.

Near the end of the third trimester Rhys’ weight was being monitored and we were counting down the days to my due date. I was getting nervous that he was going to be “too big” to deliver. My doctors didn’t want him reaching a certain threshold of weight (I’m choosing not to share the exact amount because I know everyone has different sized babies and I don’t want to put a number in anyone’s head that could create a weight complex) - but for me and my baby, there was a certain weight they didn’t want to see the baby approach, and I was getting close to it. Very close. In the final weeks of my pregnancy, I felt like I was racing the clock. Trying not to gain too much weight so that I could have a shot at delivering this baby via v-bac. Otherwise there was a c-section scheduled on my due date. Because my first birth with Everett was a vaginal delivery, and my healing process was infinitely better than it was with the c-section, I wanted to give myself the best opportunity to have the baby vaginally.

Side note - typing “vaginally” is making me chuckle. I’m 32 years and apparently as mature as a middle school boy. Lord have mercy.

So about 10 days before my due date, I am NERVOUS. I am doing all the things to induce birth but nothing is working. Little boy just wanted to stay inside (I can’t blame him - it must be so cozy in the womb). My doctors understood my plight and wanted to work with me to give me the best shot at having a successful v-bac, so they encouraged me to call them as soon as I was having any contractions that were relatively consistent. They said as soon as I was having those, I could come into the hospital to have an “augmentation”, which isn’t a full induction but is where they give you a bit of pitocin to move things along and HOPEFULLY work with your body to put it into full-blown labor. I was up the evening of Nov. 8 with consistent contractions so we called the doctor and they told me to come in the next morning, so that I could get a good night’s sleep (as best as I could), because the next day would be a lot of work and I wanted to be rested up for labor.

LABOR.

So now we are back to the morning of the 9th. I kissed my big boys goodbye, my mother-in-law came over to watch them, and me, Stevie, my mom and sister (my birth team!) all headed to the hospital. When we arrived at 9am there wasn’t 1 person in the maternity wing - no one was in labor! It was strangely serene. I forgot how glossy white the hospital is, how sterile the air. I got all checked in, met with the doctor and midwife who were on call, and they checked me. I was about 2-3 cm dilated and the baby was still high (meaning he hadn’t dropped.) They asked me questions, and we discussed a plan of action about how to approach the birth. We started by getting me hooked me up to a bit of pitocin. This was a far more medical approach than I had ever had in my previous births. I am used to going about things very naturally and medication-free. However, this was my chance to hopefully move things along so that I could give birth (instead of automatically going into a c-section), so I was ready to try anything to avoid another surgery.

Note - I have nothing against c-sections. They are wonderful procedures that can absolutely save lives, and I am SO grateful that I was able to deliver this way previously. It saved me and my baby. However, the recovery is HARD, so for me, it wasn’t the optimal way that I preferred to deliver this time around.

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So there I was. In the thin blue hospital gown, ice chips at my bedside, Jonnyswim playing in my headphones. Diffusing my favorite essential oil combination - Balance and Wild Orange. Stevie flipping through the TV channels, trying to find me an episode of Fixer Upper. Because he’s just the best. Soon the contractions became consistent, so the anesthesiologist arrived to give me an epidural. They began bumping up my pitocin every hour after that, and the strange thing was that although I felt numbness in my legs from the epidural, I was still feeling the pain of every single contraction. I felt the pain swelling in my back (I always seem to have back labor), and after about 2 hours I was feeling it sharply in my front abdomen as well. The pain was consistent with the contractions - it felt like laboring without an epidural. I shared this with the doctor and midwife, so they brought the anesthesiologist back in to check on me. He sat in the room with me while I labored, closely watching the screen that tracked my contractions, and every single contraction was getting more and more intense. I changed positions, used the yoga ball and peanut ball, ate ice chips, squeezed all the hands and arms and other available appendages of my wonderful birth team as they took turns with me, but I wasn’t getting the relief that I thought was supposed to come from an epidural.

Note - My labor and delivery with Everett was medication-free, so I knew what it felt like to labor without an epidural. I had gotten an epidural with Daxton at about the 18-hour mark in my labor with him, so I remember the sensation of an epidural. However, even then, I remember feeling my contractions - just in a calmed-down way from laboring without an epidural.

I remember telling my doctor - “I have a lot of friends who get epidurals and then take a nap - there is NO WAY I could take a nap right now. Is this normal??” At one point I heard the anesthesiologist tell the doctor, “She had her first baby without an epidural, so I know she’s tough. But she’s clearly in pain.” They were all trying to figure out why I was feeling so much pain, even with so much medication pulsing through my body. Fun times, can’t you tell?

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As we were trying to manage the pain, it seemed that my labor was progressing - very slowly. Each hour or so throughout the day I was checked and dilating - from 2 cm to 3 and 4 and 5 and so on. This was good news! Even though I was laboring and it was painful and hard, it was clearly productive! I kept telling myself I could live with the pain. But as the hours went by it was such hard work and I was starting to get weary. I knew I needed to save my energy to push once I reached 10 cm, so I was anxious to make it to 10 cm soon. When was my baby going to come?

I labored all day.

By the evening the anesthesiologist was still with us, watching the screen like a hawk. He had been with me for hours. At one point, Stevie said to him, “I know that your time is valuable - is there a reason why you are still here?” It was kind of an abrupt ask, but also, we were all thinking that - why was he still here? Was there something wrong? Why wasn’t the epidural working?!

No one knew. It’s really fun being a science experiment.

The anesthesiologist, doctor and midwife all consulted and gave me some options. They could a) take out the epidural and try again. Perhaps it just wasn’t positioned perfectly?, b) they could administer a spinal tap instead of the epidural (sometimes this works better for certain people), or c) um, i don’t remember c. #mombrain

All the while, even though my cervix had been dilating throughout the day, it seemed that I wasn’t getting effaced and the baby wasn’t dropping either - he was still very high up. Once I reached 7 cm, my midwife went ahead and broke my water, which we all believed would help dilate me even faster. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case - my dilation stalled at 7 cm and never progressed after that. At this point my contractions were so intense and painful that I was having trouble speaking or even seeing clearly. In between my contractions I was able to have a small sip of water or some ice, but nothing was helping the intensity or pain anymore. And I’m kind of a joke-y person but there was NOTHING funny going on in that room.

The doctor came in at about 9pm and had a frank conversation with me. She said that I needed to continue dilating and my cervix needed to soften/efface. She said she was going to come back in an hour to check me, but if I hadn’t progressed by then we would need to talk about our options. I knew what that meant. “Our options”. I had spent so much time and energy over the past 9 months doing everything in my power to avoid a repeat c-section, and yet here we were - it was looming ahead. And I wasn’t in control. There was nothing I could do to move things along.

I was frustrated that my body didn’t seem to be responding to the pain medication or continuing to dilate. Why why why. I kept talking to my body and telling myself, “open open open!” I repeated my verses to myself. I listened to Kanye’s new album. I prayed. Stevie prayed. Mom prayed. Rachel prayed (very nervously). Poor Rachel, she was really wigged out by this whole situation.

I had a conversation with my maker. I asked God to make it very clear to me what I should do next. I told Him that I needed to dilate and progress further by the time the doctor returned (as if He didn’t already know that) OR if I didn’t, that I would go ahead and opt for the c-section. I didn’t want to waste anymore energy. I asked Him to make it very very clear to me because I didn’t have the energy to decipher anything confusing. I wasn’t in the mood for a mixed message.

I continued to labor for that hour and it was my most difficult hour yet. When the doctor returned and checked me, she informed me that I hadn’t progressed at all - AT ALL. No further dilation, the baby still remained high, and my cervix wasn’t softened.

How’s that for clarity.

I told you that God responds. It’s just not always the kind of answer we want. Amiright, church girls??

The doctor said she believed that I would continue to dilate throughout the night if we stayed on this same course - but because the baby hadn’t dropped at all throughout the day, it was a very real possibility that we would end up in a c-section by tomorrow morning anyway. She was concerned about me laboring for more hours with the potential of a c-section ahead. She and midwife asked how I would like to proceed. I looked at Stevie. It was c-section time. I was flashing back to the exact moment during Daxton’s birth where we had to make THIS SAME DECISION. Different birth, but wildly similar scenario. Stalled at 7cm again. I felt so much peace with the decision to move forward with the c-section (which might sound crazy but its true), but Stevie was upset - he began peppering the doctor with all sorts of questions about why this happened this way and how we could possibly attempt a longer labor. I had to interject and tell him I simply didn’t have it in me to labor all night. This girl was tired. I had used almost all my energy by then, laboring for so long with what felt like no epidural.

Note - A long labor followed by an emergency c-section is what made my recovery with Daxton’s birth so difficult and made for a long recovery - the last thing you want to do is have a long labor and then have a c-section, because the healing process takes FOREVER. (I felt like like it took me 2 years to heal from Daxton’s birth.)

I didn’t want to repeat the kind of birth I had with Daxton. I had already been laboring for 12+ hours at this point, with no end in sight. We decided that a c-section was the course of action we would take, so they began prepping me for surgery. We were all sorts of bummed (the doc and midwife included), but I felt like God was giving me so much peace in spite of the circumstance so I just leaned into that.

Delivery.

Then my dad arrived! He brought me the post-delivery meal I had hoped for (cheeseburger and fries from Palmers), but unfortunately when he arrived he knew that we wouldn’t be chowing down anytime soon. He came into the delivery room as they were prepping me for the surgery and you know what - I needed to see him. He was so wonderful, comforting me and joking with me in the kind of humor that only we share. You know when your family gets you and knows that you just need to laugh? That’s exactly what my dad brought. At one point I was having a contraction and he held my hand through it - he was exactly what I needed after a long day laboring in that room. And then like a flash I was whisked off to the OR as I waved goodbye to my parents and my sis - Stevie was planning to join me for the c-section, so the nurses were getting him suited up. Or scrubbed in. What is the medical lingo for that??

The bright fluorescent lights of the OR blinded me. Suddenly I was naked, and there were about 10 people milling around in the room, as if it were so normal to have a huge naked women laid out on a table. Several nurses gathered at the foot of the table, glancing at me and quietly discussing. They were busy swabbing me, compiling materials, gathering and fetching and prepping. But one of them stopped and said, “Honey, you are SO big. You shouldn’t feel bad about getting this c-section - we see women in here everyday and your belly is so much bigger than most.” Who doesn’t love being naked and being told this? What a trophy I have, me and my HUGE belly. I’m kidding. Sort of.

Here’s the thing about c-sections - they use the epidural to numb you for the surgery. Remember how my epidural wasn’t working? The friendly anesthesiologist was back by my side, explaining exactly how this procedure was going to work. I reminded him that during my previous c-section, the pain medication hadn’t worked on me and I had to go under general anesthesia for the delivery. He said they weren’t going to have to do that - hopefully - and proceeded to turn up my epidural medication. But I knew it wouldn’t work. I just knew it. This whole situation was so familiar it was eerie.

Once the doctor arrived she asked the room if I was ready and the team announced - almost! She looked at me and very calmly began to explain what she was going to do. I informed her that I wasn’t numb yet, and she looked at the anesthesiologist questioningly. She continued to talk to me and asked me a few questions, and then she did something very freaky and yet impressive. In the middle of our conversation, mid-sentence - she reached down pinched me right where the incision was going to be made. She pinched me hard. I screamed-slash-howled SO LOUD. She looked up at the room and said, “Okay, she’s not numb at all - we need to go to general anesthesia.” I was very impressed at how she deduced my level of numbness. It’s a pretty smart trick - I bet so many women * think * they aren’t numb in this situation when they really are - so it’s a clever way to find out. Unfortunately this meant that Stevie couldn’t be part of the birth - this was the second time that he had scrubbed in for a c-section birth and then was told at the door he couldn’t attend. I’ll never know what the felt like for him. On my side of the door, the poor anesthesiologist was profusely apologizing, saying that he didn’t know why the epidural wasn’t working for me, that this happens to less than 1% of women. I was thinking, “what a situation to be so special - I would really rather be fitting in with the crowd right now.”

They began counting down backward from 10. All I remember is getting to 3, and then there was nothing.

Recovery.

I woke up and my vision was blurry. Limbs were numb. Throat hurt. Tubes in my nose. One of the sweet nurses was at my bedside, talking very chipper to me, but I don’t remember what she said. Something about the surgery going well, something about baby boy being with daddy. I don’t remember the moment they brought him in, but suddenly he was in my arms, warm and chunky and beautiful and soft. He found my breast, he was nursing, it was all happening. He absolutely felt a part of me. Awe. Warmth. Completion. My boy was here, he was outside of my body. He was here. He was the most beautiful thing.

Elated, exhausted, elated, exhausted. The days that followed in the hospital were consuming. Recovery from a c-section is powerfully hard. But I remember being served strawberry jello and chocolate pudding and chicken noodle soup, and man, did those things GIVE ME LIFE.

My mom brought Everett & Daxton to meet Rhys at the hospital, and the boys were mesmerized by their new baby brother. He was so quiet, they were so rowdy. But when they first laid eyes on him, Daxton’s smile for his brother lit the room with sunshine, while Everett’s stoic seriousness painted the story of his process. He was the big brother of this tribe of little guys. This was his little brother. The realization, the responsibility, the wonder, all of it expressed in his face - I watched him grow up in this brief moment. I realized that this birth wasn’t just my story or Rhys’, but all of our story. One of our family growing up, growing into the next season. Transition. All of us grew up with Rhys’ arrival.

And of course, Stevie is just perfect with him. Rhys looks so unbelievably small in his big arms.

Rhys David Hale
Born 10:45pm, 11/9/2019
8 lb., 12 oz., 19 inches

Rhys (pronounced “Reese”) is a Welsh name, meaning fiery, passionate warrior. David means beloved.

For all of you who have shared in this journey with my family, thank you for your excitement for us, for the support, encouragement, and prayers along the way! It is surreal to be here, surrounded by more testosterone than I could have ever imagined, raising this family of boys. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel and by the mercy of God Himself, who has been present with me in these most tumultuous, traumatic and tremendous moments of my life. Giving birth to my babies.

My healing process has been an entirely other story, one that I will save for a separate post. But for now, an endless thank you for being here.

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Packing my Hospital Bag + Prepping for Birth!

There are so many helpful blog posts about what to pack in your birth hospital bag, but I must admit that I still find myself googling and pinterest-ing it even as I approach this third birth. I’ve had a vaginal delivery (with my first son, Everett), and a c-section delivery (with my second son, Daxton), so I’ve experienced both camps of what is needed for those scenarios. However, with each child I’ve learned a little bit more about what is needed and not really needed in the hospital bag, at least for myself. My bag has been packed and re-packed, so if it’s helpful to you to reference, here’s what I’ve got going on!

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In My Hospital Labor Bag:

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Since labor can require different things from the post-delivery experience, I like to pack a smaller tote bag with just a few necessities I like to have on hand strictly for labor. This helps me from needing to dig through my bag of jammies and toiletries when I’m having contractions!

Diffuser + Essential Oils - I’m planning to diffuse Balance + Wild Orange during labor, and applying a mix of Clary Sage, Frankincense and Peppermint to my inner ankles during labor. Plus I have a slew of others I will diffuse in my recovery room after the baby is born.

I’m bringing a few pre-made rollerballs to support labor/delivery and recovery. Here are the recipes I whipped up:

Labor Support: “Breathe”
- 5 drops Ylang Ylang
- 5 drops Clary Sage
- 4 drops Helichrysum
- 4 drops Cypress
- 6 drops Black Pepper
- 2 drops Peppermint
Combine all these oils in a 10ml rollerball and fill to the top with fractionated coconut oil. Massage inside ankles, on lower back and on belly for labor support.

Postpartum Support: “Happy”
- 10 drops Citrus Bliss
- 10 drops Elevation
- 10 drops Frankincense
Combine all these oils in a 10ml rollerball and fill to the top with fractionated coconut oil. Apply to pulse points and on back of neck to wear as a mood-boosting personal fragrance.

Lip Balm
Breathe Drops
Birth Ball - Has been super helpful during my past labors! (This one doesn’t fit in any bag, but we make sure to carry this in when we first arrive at the hospital - as opposed to some of the baby gear that can stay in the car for a bit).
Bathing Suit + Flip Flops - I tend to have back labor, so in the past I found a lot of relief by getting in and out of the shower a lot during labor. Bathing suit just helps for modesty sake, when the nurses inevitably come in and out to do the fetal heart check every 30 minutes.
Massage Lotion - Already been using this throughout pregnancy so I plan to use this along with counter-pressure for my back during labor.
Snacks - I’m bringing a few, mostly for Stevie. I will be ready for some sour gummy bears after this no-sugar diet!

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In My Hospital Recovery Bag:

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Packing this weekender tote for the hospital, along with this great toiletry kit I’ve had for like 10 years. These are items I will use after labor and delivery, so they don’t have to come out of the bag until after the baby has arrived!

Robe - I’ve never met a robe I don’t like, but I picked up a new one (ugh, sold out already), for this new baby experience!
Nursing Tanks (2)
Nursing Bras (2)
Butter Pants + Cozy Sweatshirt - Basically the softest things I’ve ever put on my body. This is probably what I will wear when I go home from the hospital. And for every day afterwards forevermore.
Socks/Slippers - I got these socks in the Babylist registry box and I fully intend on using them ;) I personally don’t like the idea of wearing my slippers at the hospital to walk around because I don’t like to think about what has been spilled on those floors before. But I’m bringing both, just in case!
Toiletries - shampoo + conditioner packs, lip balm, moisturizer, toothpaste, deodorant and some makeup.
Pillow - I like to have my own because it’s so firm (I also double up my pillow cases, because again, hospital funk freaks me out).
Phone + Charger - I got this extra long cord just in case the plug is far away. Plus its sparkly. This is such an extra kind of item, not really necessary ;)
Camera - I like to take some photos with our big camera while we’re in the hospital! Those first few days are irreplaceable and I always want to relive the sweet moments that we have with just the baby.

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In the Diaper Bag:

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I’m planning to continue using this bag that I got when Daxton was a baby, and in it I tucked a few first things for the baby. The hospital will have the basics so you really don’t need a lot here, but it’s fun to have a few soft, personal things for your little one.
Baby swaddles - These muslin ones are tried-and-true and am excited to try these bamboo ones!
Burp Cloth
1-2 Take-home outfits - I like to have a few sizes, just in case. And you want to make sure these outfits have actual legs/feet so that you can safely strap them into the car seat when you leave the hospital.
Mittens, socks and a hat!
Diapers + Wipes - Just in case for the car ride home!
Pacifier
Nipple Cream! - This stuff is truly the best.
Nursing Pillow - Mine won’t fit in the bag, but it’s something that we can leave in the car until its needed!

One thing I like to do, in addition to all of this, is keep a list of “last minute grabs” in the notes section on my phone for when its actually time to leave for the hospital. On that list currently? Glasses, pillow, hair gel, phone charger and birth plan.

I also like to have a little gift “from” the baby for the boys, when they come to the hospital to meet him. It’s just a fun little toy for each of them, but I think it helps them from feeling like the baby is getting all the attention.

Even though I like to use my own selected products for postpartum care, I don’t plan to bring a whole lot of that to the hospital. It’s such a short and fleeting time that you’re there (no matter what kind of delivery you have), that I just go with the flow and use what they offer up (mostly.) The only thing I’m pretty adamant about it having my own nipple butter, because I really really don’t like the lanolin stuff they have there. But they really do cover you and the baby so well, so there’s no need to pack a ton of diapers and wipes and all that jazz.

We are seriously on the countdown now! I would so appreciate your prayers for me and my family as we head into these last few days of this pregnancy - we are all so ready to meet our baby boy! Thanks for being on this journey with us ;)

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