Finding Clarity in a Season of Uncertainty.

Note: I wrote this post in June 2020, but didn’t feel the peace to publish it. I took a long break from blogging and even though I wrote a lot during that time, I didn’t feel like I was in a season to share. I was just processing a lot. However, I feel complete peace in sharing this post now. It still resonates so strongly with me, it describes where I’ve been, and I hope it encourages those of you who have been through your own time of silence + solitude during this long Covid season (and post season!) All the pics are from June 2020, too, when I cut off my hair!
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————
It’s been a weighty season, which is probably the biggest understatement of 2020. Oh how I wish things had gone differently these past 6 months. How I wish I had been better prepared for the unknown. How I wish I had responded better, had more grace, had more capacity, had more empathy, understanding, love and answers, etc. etc.

I WISH I HAD MORE CLOROX WIPES.

I could wish wish wish. It’s okay to wish. It’s just not all that productive.

So I decided to exchange my wishing for something infinitely more nutritious. I’ve been meditating a lot. Leaning into my faith. Reading my bible. I feel like my generation is inundated with so much messaging, so many podcasts and blog posts and book marks and videos and resources (and lets be real, ADS), that as people of faith, sometimes we can simply forget what Jesus gave us - his Holy Spirit and His Word (aka the bible). That’s THE equipment, according to Him. Those other things aren’t bad, they just aren’t meant to be the main thing. In this season I have felt a call to deepen my faith in what I know to be true. I don’t have answers to the world’s problems, but I know that He does, so in an effort to be a rock for my own mental health, my own family and then also for my community, I have been taking more time than ever to read the bible and meditate on the words I read.

What do I really think about what it says? Does it line up with what I think?

I’ve been allowing myself to pause, to really think for myself.

Will I allow my circumstances to define my response to culture? Or will I allow His words to fill my mind and soul, to fuel my response?

I decided that I wouldn’t move, or speak, or have an opinion, until I felt peace.

Which is why I’ve been quiet on social media.

Which is why I’ve been listening when people talk, without forming my own response while they talk. Just listening. It’s taken an active amount of energy to listen without forming opinions immediately. And that’s been a really good exercise.

I’m still seeking His peace daily, but I can honestly say I have been fighting for the peace every single day FOR MONTHS and I have felt so much victory in this season of simultaneous darkness, confusion and pain.

Taking a side step away from social media and this blog over the past few months wasn’t on purpose. It was simply because I didn’t have the time to devote to it while I was needed 100% at home to homeschool my kids and feed everyone and do all the mom/wife stuff of life when Covid-19 came on the scene in March. And since then, with so much upheaval and so many loud voices in the media and on social media shouting so very loudly, I felt drawn to the quiet. Silence has been greatly nourishing for my soul. At any moment that I’ve stepped outside of the quiet, I’ve craved it deeply and quickly returned to its comfort, feasting my mind on the sweetness of silence and solitude.

I find it odd that I’ve had to fight for peace, for quiet in my own mind, and for solitude in my soul. But what a worthy fight, friends!

I’ve learned a few things. I actually feel older! Does anyone else resonate?! I won’t allow the world to demand anything from me. I’ve determined that He, God alone, can demand something from me and illicit a response, but in His kindness I haven’t found His presence to demand anything of me. Just for me to be here, be near to Him, love Him well and love my family well. In an overflow of His love, I will have capacity to respond to the weight of the world, but without Him I tend to fall like a deck of cards. So, when I find myself falling apart, I retreat back into His Word and the darling quiet of His presence, and start again from there. This isn’t a formula, it’s just simply worked.

I’m dipping my toe back into this space because I love it and I love writing. I honestly miss the blogging era of the early Internet days, pre-Instagram stories, when people actually sat down to their computers with a cup of coffee and 5 minutes to read a few paragraphs. That was the way that I enjoyed reading blogs and still do, so I’m reverting back to “the good old days” of blogging and going to pretend like that’s whats still happening in this space. I feel like one of those people who is stuck wearing out of style clothes because they fit and they feel really good, even if they aren’t cool or in style anymore. I am very okay with being off-trend these days, and you’re welcome to join me here if the fit is just right for you, too. Isn’t it kind of funny that mom jeans are like, back in style? It’s like we’re all craving a slice of life from back when things were a bit simpler.

Let’s just all agree that we can disagree and it doesn’t have to be a major disappointment. As we prepare to re-enter another school year (whether it be virtually or home school or in a traditional space, Lord only knows right now!), let’s band together in a special brand of unity. Our cohesive human condition right now is one that could use so much grace, so much room for each one of us to be our own selves and to lift each other up in encouragement. Mask or no mask, democrat or republican, quarantine or mingling - whatever! I just want to encourage us all (myself included) to lean into the peace that God gives us all so freely, one that “passes all understanding”. And until we feel His peace, may we quiet all the loud voices and opinions.

Just a few of my thoughts this evening. Gonna hit “save and publish” on this one, like the good ol’ days before I hardcore edited every word and photo until all the imperfect grit has disappeared entirely. Bringing my typos and blurry photos and flawed self here. It’s been a while, but it feels GOOD.

Love to all of you friends.

And we're back!

credit // Tasha Deloach Photography

I took a long break from blogging and Instagram this past year. Not on purpose. We chose to homeschool due to the pandemic and that “YES” meant saying no to a lot of other things (like spending my time here), and some of it felt like sacrifice and some of it felt just right. Actually, it all felt right for our family, but I won’t pretend that it was a completely graceful experience. I was often frustrated, lonely, unfulfilled and restless. And tired. Can you be restless and exhausted all at once? I was.

However, while I was wrestling with some of my own personal struggles of navigating the pandemic and having everyone home ALL THE TIME, I simultaneously loved getting so much intentional time with my boys. And with Stevie! I was used to him traveling weekly for work and of course, used to the big boys attending school. It was a real ADJUSTMENT when suddenly the kitchen was this endless nightmare I couldn’t figure out how to keep clean. But truly, I didn’t realize how much I craved getting to know my little boys in this particularly new way. Seeing the way their minds worked while they learned how to sound out words or spell their name or add pennies. It was astounding. They are so smart and funny and precious and I am just so grateful I get to be their mom. Please hear me here - you do NOT need to homeschool to be an intentional parent, you 100% don’t! But it was an incredibly bonding experience for us as a family, one that I will always treasure.

hiking along Line creek!

I learned SO MUCH from the amazing homeschool families we met along the way. The way they do life really opened up my eyes to how important it is to engage with nature and animals and just PLAY to give kids so much foundation for understanding the world. My kids thrived this year and if I ever feel called to homeschool again, I will totally do it.

We have chosen for them to return to the school where they were attending before the pandemic, and we are all truly excited about it. But I’ll admit I’m going to miss them madly and will most definitely cry ugly tears at that first (and probably second and third) drop off in a few weeks.

panning for gold in helen, Ga!

I honestly didn’t think I would come back to the world of Instagram or blogging. I started to feel like I had outgrown this space, and in a way, I guess I did. 2020 was actually a spectacular time to step away, because there was so much happening in the world and I couldn’t possibly navigate it on social media while I was trying to navigate it privately with my family. And like so many of you, I felt like outgrew who I used to be. That was really uncomfortable but also really really good. I got to a really secure place where I was truly fine with never opening the Instagram app again or writing here again. I honestly felt called to lay everything that was mine aside for that season. At the time I didn’t think it was just for a season, I thought it was for forever. Any small or large pursuit or endeavor that took away time from my family, I just felt like I needed to say no to. It was the time for me to pour completely into FAMILY. It’s very counter-culture to what we are being told we should do - we should be pursuing dreams and prioritizing ourselves in honor of self care and “hustling” right?! (Ha, that term really irks me. I am the opposite of whatever “hustle” represents and I am soo good with that.) But it was interesting… it’s interesting what happens when you fully surrender a part of your life/heart/desires in pursuit of a bigger “YES”. In doing this, something within me was finally laid to rest. The striving that I didn’t know I had going on inside my heart - it was finally quieted. And it was a good thing! Strangely enough, it led way to a wonderful, surprising new rhythm. We have been living slowly for so long and I don’t really want to go back to whatever version of busy and hustle and striving we/I used to be.

Lately I’ve been feeling the nudge to re-engage, to pursue the things I love again, to HAVE FRIENDS AGAIN. To write again. I miss writing and I have things to say. I quieted down for a long while.

So I’ve been getting to know myself again. I’ve been taking a painting class. Doing yoga on my porch. Taken over the back yard with different types of gardens (because we need a cutting garden and an English garden AND a pollinator garden duh silly…) I’m taking myself a lot less seriously and I don’t feel so guarded. I was so guarded for a long time.

I know its been like A YEAR for all of us. I hope you have found a sense of peace in the storms that have swirled since the pandemic hit. I hope you have found a sense of hope and a steady calm that supersedes challenging circumstances. I hope you have found yourself once again and been kind to yourself. You deserve it and everyone around you deserves it, too.

This space is still here and I’m feeling so much peace about returning and having conversations again. I’ve missed you, friends. So tell me… what did you surrender during your 2020 experience? And more importantly, what did you gain?

Love to you all. xx

Ideas, Resources & Optimism in Times Like These.

How are you, friends?! HOW ARE YOU REALLY.

In the midst of fighting this global pandemic (COVID-19), I shared here and here some thoughts on Instagram, because that is where so many of us go to check in with each other. However, I wanted a chance to share more here on my blog - especially some of the resources I’ve found helpful as we navigate a new normal over here as a family.

We are living in a time like no other people group ever has. We are the first generation with so much technology, information and news at our fingertips. WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

Whether this “new normal” is for a few weeks or a few months has yet to be determined! I am grateful for the reminder that in times like these, choosing to be optimistic doesn’t mean having to feel or act happy all the time. It’s perfectly fine to have “meh” moments and feel sad, angry, confused and overwhelmed. I can still choose optimism while I am simultaneously feeling these other feelings, too.

We have actually been navigating a new normal over here for a while, as a family. After Rhys was born 4 months ago, I fought a staph infection for a few months, which kept me home bound (along with the whole “healing from a c-section and feeding a baby constantly” thing), so I have actually been adopting a hermit-ish culture of my own as of late. I have a lot more to share about that little capsule of time, but I’m going to wait until this whole pandemic is past us because we have enough health information overload right now.

However, in light of the past week where the entire world has changed, and everyone has been encouraged to practice social distancing and limit exposure to others - now we are all in the same situation. We are probably all having our moments of processing this new circumstance we facing - staying home while working and educating our children. I know that I am personally fine one moment and then NOT fine the next - it’s a process of unfoiling what I think and feel about all of this. Processing all the impact, all the losses. While trying to stay strong for my family and providing a good structure so that everyone feels safe and cared for. It’s a lot to think about! Thank goodness we have each other to bounce ideas off of! Never have I been more thankful for social media, the Internet, texting and FaceTime. Here are a few things I have been compiling over the past 10 days or so, specific to homeschooling and family life, and hopefully this will help as you navigate your situation as well…

---

our homeschool schedule.

We moved some things around and have turned our dining room into a homeschool space for the boys. The new set up and having a schedule helped me so much last week. We have been starting school a little later in the morning than we normally would than if we were actually going to school, which has helped me (and the boys!) sleep a little more. Great immune-boosting for us all! Here’s the rest:

8 - 9am - Get dressed, clean rooms, have breakfast
9 - 11 - School lessons
11-12 - Free play (we call them “centers” because for some reason that makes it feel official - usually megablocks, magnatiles, or STEM building toys)
12 -12:30 - Clean up, make & eat lunch
12:30 - 1 - Read a book OR Listen to a story (more about that below), free coloring
1 - 3ish - Nap time! Rest time for Everett (he chooses quiet activities he can do alone - reading and playing LEGOs)
3 - 4 - Outside time (depending on the weather) or special project (a craft or something from our activity jar)
4 - 5 - Watch a TV show while I prep dinner
5:30pm - Dinner
7:00/7:30 - Bath, books, bedtime

With the weather being so beautiful last week, we actually got up and took a walk immediately before breakfast, almost daily. That helped so much! We all need the movement and vitamin D! So when the weather is good, I will gladly throw this schedule out the window and then dive into the outdoors instead! ;)

RESOURCES FOR HOMESCHOOL LIFE.

In addition to the lessons and videos our wonderful school is sending, I am so grateful for all the free resources that are being offered around the web! Here are a few that we are aware of and trying out:

1. Scholastic Learn at Home Lessons (FREE)
I love how simple and straightforward these are. Everett keeps asking to do more of them!
2. Radish Kids Cooking Kit (FREE)
We snagged this before they sold out, but if you add your name to the wait list they will let you know when they restock these free kits!
3. Audible Stories (FREE)
I actually started using audible a few months ago for myself and immediately got obsessed (been working my way through all the Jane Austens!) But even for those who don’t have an account and don’t want a monthly membership, Audible is offering a selection of family and kid-friendly books for absolutely free. I am thrilled about this. We’ve been listening to a few every day and its a great calm-down activity before naptime.
4. KiwiCo At Home Activities (FREE)
We don’t have a subscription to this (although I’m thinking about it - would love to hear if you have enjoyed a subscription here!) but they are providing a ton of free resources to parents and kids with activities, DIYs and more ;)
5. Lovevery
This baby/toddler subscription kit contains Montessori-style learning toys that I am looking into for Rhys specifically. He is getting to the age where he needs more interaction and its coming at a time where I have to divide my focus between the 3 boys all throughout the day. I think this will help all of us interact with him but I haven’t pulled the trigger on it yet - would love input if you’re currently using this!
6. ABC Mouse (FREE)
I haven’t used ABC Mouse before, but if your school requests access here, there is a free code available to use this subscription service for 2-8 year olds. If you don’t want to wait for access, there is a free 30-day trial available as well.

TIPS FOR HOMESCHOOL LIFE.

I am so grateful that so many of you sent great ideas in to share! Especially you veteran OG homeschool mamas, you are the real heroes. A few ideas and reminders I was sent:

1. PLAY is the best way for young kiddos to learn. 1-2 hours of school per day for elementary age children.
2. Cook something together + read something together. These are major building blocks for learning (math + English).
3. Idea Jar - Fill a jar with 20+ activity ideas that are tailored to your kid’s ages. A few examples: letter writing, dance party, plant some seeds, play a board game, FaceTime a friend, choose someone to say a prayer for, put together a puzzle, play with LEGOs, listen to an audiobook, scavenger hunt, bake something, read a Bible story, build a fort, play in the yard, etc.
4. FaceTime read to friends! Let your kids pick a book and then record yourself reading it to them. Then send it to cousins, best friends, whoever has kids and would love a special video message book for their kids! One mama told me it helped her kiddos not get so bored with their own books.
5. Don’t stress. Little kids might not remember the impact of this virus (the way we adults will), but they WILL remember what it felt like to be at home with their parents - they will remember the time spent together, the meals shared, the board games played, the prayers spoken. Lets keep that in the very top of our minds as we respond to situations that occur at home.

TIPS FOR NOT GOING INSANE.

1. Exercise! Exercise outside (for and hour or more, ideally) has been especially KEY for all of us.

2. Get creative! I downloaded Jenny Highsmith’s FREE hand lettered coloring pages for myself! The kids have more than enough resources at their fingertips, and my sitting with them and coloring alongside has been really helpful and therapeutic for me personally.

3. Incorporate chores throughout the day. This way, you aren’t stuck with a mess at the end of the day! Stevie and I are keeping the kitchen spotless right now, because we both feel stress triggers if the kitchen is a mess while we are all occupying the same spaces.

4. Cry. It’s okay to cry. There’s a lot happening. I also have taken little breathing breaks on the porch. Just 5 deep cleansing breaths makes SUCH a difference to me. Especially when I pair it with a rollerball swipe of my favorite essential oil (Balance or Elevation are incredible).

5. When in doubt, POPCORN AND MOVIE. It’s the ultimate save.

My prayers are with us all. Stay safe and healthy, friends!

---

Little Valentine.

---

Sweater / Jeans / Shoes / Onesie

---

We have been living in a cocoon of warmth and love during these past 12 weeks. I have been slow with things. I have been healing, resting, snuggling and mostly content with keeping that on repeat. Every few days or so I get the inkling to get out, go to Target for toilet paper, grab a matcha latte - so I do. But I am always hungry to return home and cozy up again. This little boy really has my heart. Really really. They all do.

This season isn’t forever. I am really enjoying it for what it is, because my Rhys guy is already growing a lot. It’s happening so fast this time, so I am slowing my steps around the house, pouring an extra mug of hot coffee, and trying to take stock in the seemingly mundane moments. Just today, he already feels heftier than yesterday. Those 3am feedings are weighing heavy on my sleep deprivation and heavy in his limbs. Blessed chunky thighs. The very both of us.

My dad told me something wonderful the other day. He called me to say hi, and asked how I was doing, to which I replied kind of sarcastically, "Oh you know, just cleaning and diapering and feeding all the people over here. Being really glamorous.” And he said, “Kristen - real life isn’t glamorous. Always remember that.”

It really struck me.

It struck me because, while I really like what I’m doing with my time, I also find myself frustrated with what I’m doing with my time. Hear me - I love being a mom. I was made for this. But sometimes I get in my head that I’m not doing enough, accomplishing enough, contributing enough or changing the world enough. I’m not building a career or making a noticeable rippling effect, not challenging the conventional or using my mind to solve major problems. I’m, you know, scrubbing dishes and doing endless loads of laundry (so much laundry!) It’s mundane. It’s not glamorous. It’s these visceral things that make our life go round, but it isn’t really fun. It certainly isn’t sexy. There is no employee or the month around here, no recognition for these alone hours I spend building a home life. Please hear me - Stevie is incredibly kind and affirming to me and what I do for our family. I’m not feeling resentful at all. I’m not complaining or seeking sympathy - but this is something that all moms feel, surely. Whether you are working in the home or outside of the home, we moms are working more hours than anyone ever sees or knows.

And even though I feel these things, I also feel a tremendous, overarching amount of love in what I do. Being a woman is so complex. There are so many feelings!

I remind myself - my career right now is my family. I’m changing the world by loving on these goofy maniac boys, disciplining them and pouring into them, shepherding their hearts. Asking them questions. Asking them what they think about something, before telling them what I think. I’m solving major problems by teaching them to solve their own, like how to get dressed by themselves (Daxton) or how to finish up the LEGO dinosaur (Everett). I’m making a rippling effect because their life is being formed bit by bit everyday, in the moments that I try to exemplify righteously and the moments I least expect them to learn from. Those moments when Stevie and I have a misunderstanding or disagreement - they’re watching. The moments when traffic is heavy (ugh, Atlanta) and I’m frustrated - they’re learning from me. My love is permeating in the intentional things I’m aware that I’m doing, “Let’s read a book! Let’s do a puzzle!” and the unintentional, like when I’m on my phone and one of them is trying to tell me a story about their day.

I’m not perfect. This isn’t glamorous. Sometimes this isn’t fun at all.

But the love I feel for my family is powerful. When I dig in, and get over my me-me-me rant that sometimes takes over, just for a bit, I remember why I am doing this. This love thing. It’s so vibrant, so big. It’s pulsing in my chest, motivating my every step, encouraging my heart to lean in further. Guiding my words. This unglamorous kind of love.

This is the kind of love that is encircling my mind today, as we celebrate Valentines Day. It’s more than a romance for me in my current state of life - it’s the surrender, the sacrifice, the very most un-glamorous love. Tonight, Stevie and I will sink onto the couch and eat a home-cooked something and watch a funny-something on Netflix to celebrate this day, after the 3 boys have been hastily put to bed. They will undoubtedly come out of their rooms several times, “needing water” or another snuggle, or asking what show we are watching, trying to sneak a peek. Then the baby monitor will go off, and Rhys will be hungry again. Then we will clean the kitchen, and it will be so romantic. You know, with kitchen gloves on and scrubbing bubbles and dancing around the downstairs with the Dyson. Then we will crawl into bed, too exhausted for anything more than just this. It won’t be glamorous. It just won’t be. But it also won’t be forever. We are certainly “in it” but this is the kind of love that I’m so grateful for, so appreciative of. The kind of love that is really a dream come true, even if I’m not really dreaming at all because who actually sleeps with a newborn?

Real love isn’t glamorous, but gosh, it is so, so SO good.

Think Before You Speak.

I’ve experienced a series of what you could call, unfortunate events.

Yesterday at the grocery store, a stranger told me I was so big that “this baby better get out soon because he’s going to mess up my hips”.

This past weekend, a stranger at a restaurant asked me if I was “sad that I’m having another boy and not a girl”. They said this in front of my entire family, including my two sons.

Then at Everett’s baseball game, a stranger told me a story about her friend who had six boys while trying for a girl, only to have her husband leave her and have a baby girl with another woman. “I’m sure that won’t happen to you,” she said.

Are you flabbergasted? I still am. Like I said, these are some unfortunate events.

Add this to the collection of others who feel the need to walk up to me, ask about my baby’s due date and gender, and proceed to tell me their horror pregnancy stories. Their emergency stories. Their near-death labor and delivery experiences. I don’t know why people do this, but they do indeed do it. They feel the openness and comfort level to talk, talk TALK to pregnant women. They wouldn’t do this to a stranger on the subway. I don’t think.

My response over the weekend was anger. “People should NOT speak to pregnant women!”, I told Stevie. “We aren’t dogs! Don’t come up and try to pet us and then say foolish things!” I contemplated not going out in public anymore, just to avoid any other triggering situations. Should women in their third trimester be subject to people’s verbal opinions on how they look?

Since the weekend has passed, I’ve had more time to think about it and I think I have actually learned a personally valuable lesson from all this.

I can learn from the hurtful things that people say to me. Because I am human, too, and just like my parents used to tell me when I was a little girl, I need to learn to THINK before I SPEAK.

Even though I was the target of these comments (or rather, my belly), the truth is that I don’t always think before I speak to someone, and as a result I could hurt someone’s feelings by carelessly remarking on something I don’t need to have an opinion on.

There is a reason pregnant women don’t want to tell people their chosen baby name, the baby’s gender, OR their due date. They don’t need to hear commentary from a stranger who isn’t invested in this baby. They don’t need to hear insensitive remarks. I didn’t need that over the weekend, as I felt puffier than ever and really, really tired.

This is such a lovely community of friends here, so I don’t share this because I feel attacked here. The opposite in fact. But I think we could all use the reminder (myself included) to do as our mothers told us when we were little, and THINK before we SPEAK. You never know how your own random words can seriously rattle someone, even if you walk away and don’t think a thing of it. That pregnant, hormonal woman (who knows exactly how big she looks, by the way), is most likely dealing with her own insecurities, fears and anticipation (as well as an array of discomforts!) and doesn’t need a strangers’ input/commentary.

If you see a pregnant woman and are desperate to say something to them because you just REALLY can’t help yourself, there are two appropriate things you can say:

1. How are you feeling?
2. You look wonderful!

That’s all! There is no need for you to follow up with your own stories or input. Because without even realizing it, that woman is definitely reading between the lines of what you’ve already said (pregnancy hormones make us extra sensitive!!!), so those few words are more than enough.

I share this today so that we can all be more aware and sensitive to those around us. Our words are powerful, they hold weight and they can make a difference in someone’s day. Today is a great day to brighten someone’s day with your powerful, KIND words!

P.S. - Just so you know, after that women’s comments at the grocery store, I stumbled upon an enormous, beautiful pre-lit Christmas wreath in the store, and I BOUGHT IT. So don’t feel bad for me - Costco seems to always have my back.