Thoughts on Turning 30.

Tomorrow I turn 30.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of what my life would look like when I turned 30. I would be living in New York City, working as an actor, and when I turned 30 I would meet the right guy and get married sometime around then, with babies coming a few years later. That's what I always thought would be my path, my journey in the world. I wanted to make a difference and have influence. I loved acting and found such a passion in the actor's process. I never ever EVER would have imagined I would be that girl who got engaged super young and got married and became someone's wife at such a tender young age. I was never boy crazy, never very co-dependent, never really dreamed of having a wedding or being a mom or any of those domestic things. I knew I wanted to have those things one day, perhaps, but I never dreamed of them. I dreamed of working hard as a stage actress and then making my way into movies and being famous and accepting my Oscar while wearing a red gown. I practiced my speech a lot. Because in my dreams, I always win at the Oscars :)

Well, this weekend I'm turning 30. I've been married for 10 years and I have two baby boys. My stage in life is my kitchen and the awards that I accept are kisses and compliments from the chorus of boys that surround me. Life isn't anything like I dreamed when I was a little girl, but I'm not being cheesy or lying when I say that it is BETTER than what I dreamed of back then.

I am honestly so amped to turn 30. I feel like I finally match my age. For so many years, I felt a sense of judgement when I shared my story with others - that I got married young, that I went to college "out of order", and that I tried out so many different types of jobs over the years. I never felt on par with my peers. I knew that the choices I was making were the right ones for me, but I didn't feel like I was doing the same things as everyone else my age. But since becoming a mom, I have found such a sense of community and camaraderie in motherhood that I've never had in any other season of my life. I'm certainly not done dreaming or pursuing out-of-the-ordinary ventures. But I feel so myself at this age. And I totally love it.

The other day I was watching the Friends episode where all the characters mourn over turning 30. It's so funny to me how sad people get about leaving their twenties, as if they haven't "done enough" with those years. Well, I feel like I've done a lot with those years! I've learned so much about myself, and I've learned that life just isn't all about me and what a wonderful thing that is! I suppose having kids does that to you. And getting married young taught me that sacrifice is beautiful; it's a surefire way to leave a lasting impression of your love for someone else. In a world where the emphasis is constantly on our achievements and pursuits and accomplishments, I am grateful for my unusual, somewhat unpopular journey of giving so much of my life to my marriage and my family. It seems counter-culture in an age of feminism and women on the rise, but actually, I feel more present in my femininity than ever. I am just getting started, friends. My 30's are going to be SO MUCH FUN.

Thanks for journeying with me. I've been blogging for 5 years now and this space has changed so much during that time. But I love this corner of the Internet (it's my favorite space!) and I hope that when you visit, you feel encouraged and inspired to be your best self. And to have fun. Here's to turning 30 and to getting ever better with time!

Turning 28.

I am sort of caught up in this poem today, as I contemplate my 28th year.

"Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean -
the one who has flung herself
  out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out
  of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and
  forth instead of up and down -
who is gazing around with her
  enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and
  thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open,
  and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention,
  how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down
  in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how
  to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
- The Summer Day, Mary Oliver

I've been sort of electrified and maddened by the echoing question, "what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What is it? What am I doing? What do I want to do? What am I doing?

Well, I'm pretty certain that I want to celebrate. I want to drink champagne and I want to ride atop a jeweled elephant. I want to make my sisters feel my love. I want to cook up a storm and force feed the entire city of Atlanta. I want to sing with my son at the top of our lungs. I want to smell the peonies from my wedding and I want to bury my face in the lush grass of my backyard. I want to tap dance on the stage of the first broadway show I ever saw. (though I don't actually tap dance.) I want to give a certain high school bully a wedgie. I want to lounge on a hammock with my husband and watch the sun go down, reminiscing about all our past adventures. Because they are my favorite memories. I want to take hold of all the sinew, dreams, will and fiber of my being, and I want to give it all away. I want my life to matter. I want to touch the world with my intent. I want to be raw and vulnerable and strong and tall. Gosh, I so want to be tall. I want to make a difference and I want to do it while I'm holding the hands of my loves to the right and to the left. I want to walk into the future, ready, hopeful, good-humored and tireless. I want to harness this wild, precious gift and make it matter.

To many things to wish as I blow out my candle? Well then.

Today I turn 28. Watch me go.

Hello September!

Don't you love New York in the fall?

It makes me wanna buy school supplies.

I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.

On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms. - Joe Fox, You've Got Mail

So We Meet Again.

September is absolutely, hands-down my favorite month of the year. And it only mostly has to do with the fact that it's my birthday month (wink wink.) I love the subtle transition from lazy, late summer to watercolor hints of autumn. The trees begin to turn up their crisp noses at the air's humidity, and in timely obedience to the magnificent weatherman in the sky, the temperature drops accordingly and the boots march out from their safely-tucked hiding places to do some walking. I am just captured by the colors: evergreen, scarlet, marigold, auburn and amethyst. These coy shades manage to catch me off-guard every year, and yet I relish the moment because it feels so good to be, yes, seduced by the luxe wonders of fall. Walking down the street and watching a gently falling leaf from an old oak tree; you can't make this stuff up. Well, you could, but I wouldn't because it sounds all-too cliche. Yet there it is, you can't help but spot it: that petite brittle leaf, aimlessly letting go, falling, and papering the bustling streets with its chilled quiet.

Labor Day.

We went on a bike ride this weekend along the West Side Highway from the Upper West Side down to Chelsea, had a taste of brunch and traipsed around the uber-hip Chelsea Market for a bit. We stopped midway to gaze at the Hudson, and stayed resting in the grass for a long time, enamored at the fact that someone was swimming laps in the river. Yikes. That's bravery.

City Garden.

I had to halt our bike ride once again when I came upon this fantastic little garden in the middle of Riverside Park.

The Garden Peoples' Garden is a mesmerizing little treasure trove, perfectly manicured and stocked with giddy, mismatched plants. It was such a lovely way to spend the first day of the month, biking around our new town and sensing that the joy would only increase with the coming months. I realized that September was back again, ushering in her charms of fall. I am so ready for you, September. Let's have a whirlwind month, shall we?