Six Weeks in Newbornland.

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out on a walk1.jpg

It's been quite a journey, these past 6 weeks.

I've laughed, cried, felt complete peace, felt complete chaos.

Stevie had 6 weeks of paternity leave (!!!), so my family was pretty spoiled by having daddy around constantly. And I didn't realize how much I would NEED him around, to do everything. Thank goodness for him! And for his awesome company for providing this policy for dads! I can't tell you enough how thankful I am that we had so much time together to integrate into a new family normal.

Because I've been recovering from a c-section, I couldn't do anything for the first two weeks postpartum. Like, anything. I couldn't move, let alone change diapers or pick up my toddler or even go to the bathroom. Stevie did it all - cooking and cleaning, taking care of Everett, taking care of Daxton. He had to bring me the baby every time to feed him, he had to help me change my underwear, he had to help me bathe. It was kind of a nightmare, for me. I felt so helpless and disempowered. Of course, all of those things got easier, but the process felt so, so slow. Once I got over being exhausted from the labor and delivery, I went into full-force frustration because I just wanted to be able to do stuff. I have a whole new empathy for women who have gone through c-sections, especially in situation that are emergent. I never understood what that must feel like, how hard the recovery can be, how emotional the process is.

Not to sound dramatic, but there were a lot of things that made the past 6 weeks feel endless.

But then there's Daxton.

He is just incredible. So sweet, with a peaceful demeanor and almost an air of maturity, somehow. His eyes are clear and his body is long and he has the gentlest spirit. Did I mention he is big? So big. In the few short weeks I've known him, I've fallen hard. We all have. This family is smitten with our little boy and we didn't realize how much we were missing out on before he arrived. Everett and I like to call him our lovey dovey, only Everett says it like, 'uh-vy duhvy' and it's pretty hilarious. He also calls him his "best brother" and kisses him on the cheek about 50 times a day. We are all just so happy with our expanded family. It's so nourishing to this mama heart of mine, especially as I sort through the highs and lows in this new season of motherhood.

All the "firsts" have been so unique to Daxton's personality. Finding a special song to sing to him in the middle of the night when I'm rocking him back to sleep. Giving him his first bath and seeing his calm reaction to the water. Taking family walks outside and watching his eyes as he takes in the blue of the sky, the song of a bird, the chill of the weather. Even though we've had Everett for over two years, showing us the world through his eyes, it all feels new again. Because it's with a brand new soul, fresh from Heaven and brimming with his own breath of life.

Sometimes I have to stop myself, to remind myself that I am living in the good old days. And these are those days! Marked with exhaustion and teeming with every degree of emotion. What a six weeks it's been!

P.S. - My birth story with Daxton.

A Nursery for Bebe.

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The diapers and wipes are stocked. The clothes are folded in the dresser. The tiny hats, the bitty socks. The pictures are hung and the monitor is set. Everett has done a fine job breaking in the room for his little brother to be - laying in the bouncer to "take a nap" and strewing the teething toys around the room. He even "plays baby" and lays in my arms and says he needs a bottle. Ha, yeah right kid. NOW he wants to take a bottle, even though when it mattered, he never took one. Ever.

I digress.

The nursery is ready. Now all we need is a little brother to occupy it.

Now, Daxton won't really be in his nursery for a while, since we have a space set up for him to sleep in our bedroom for the first stretch. I can't remember how long we had Everett in our room when he was a newborn, so I don't really have a grid for when Daxton will start regularly residing in his nursery. But it is ready for him! All ready. Come on, little baby. At 39 weeks, my belly is enormous and it's time for you to evacuate :)

I've linked below to some sources we used to decorate this room, most of which we already had for Everett. I love how neutral and simple the space is. Some might call it boring but it's really peaceful to me, and that's what matters, since I will be spending a lot of time in there in the coming year! Pinkblush Maternity was kind enough to send me this delivery/nursing robe, which I have been living in as I prep this babylicious space. Although I admit, I finally packed it in my hospital bag over the weekend, for fear of forgetting it when we leave for the hospital. A robe is something you don't want to be without! In fact, my sister-in-law makes fun of me for how much I love bathrobes - but I think you can never have enough! They are so great for lounging in, and this one will be my Daxton robe, so it's going to remain close to me at all times during this next season of being in newborn land and nursing. Make sure to visit my instagram for your chance to win one of Pinkblush Maternity's gorgeous robes (you don't have to be pregnant or a mama to enjoy one of these!) The giveaway will run through 12/18 and the winner will be announced on 12/19 on my Insta account.

Nursery Decor Sources:
Restoration Hardware Boucle Cloud Crib Bedding in Mist
Restoration Hardware Wool Felt Cloud Mobile
Aden & Anais Crib Sheet & Changing Pad Cover
Restoration Hardware Canvas Storage Bins in Blue Cloud
Garage Sale Glider, recovered
Crib, gifted
IKEA SANELA Curtains
Target Floating Shelves
Custom Name Print by Jenny Highsmith
Target Ottoman (similar here)

Any tips from you mamas on how to naturally induce labor? I've done all the "standby" methods and we have no signs of action over here. I'm ready to meet my little boy, so I am aaaallllllll ears my friends! xox

P.S. - Choosing Daxton's name, a tour of Everett's Toddler Bedroom and another look with Pinkblush Maternity :)

Baby #2 - A 20 Week Bumpdate.

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This has been, simultaneously, the fastest and slowest pregnancy ever. The first trimester dragged on for an eternity and I thought there would be no end in sight with all the nausea, exhaustion and headaches. But oh my goodness, the second trimester is flying by - the only reason I'm able to remember where I'm at in this pregnancy is because the belly of mine is growing like mad. I am definitely bigger this time around than I was with Everett - sometimes I give myself grace like, "hey, it's a second baby, these things happen!", and then sometimes I'm legitimately worried that I'm growing a 19-lb. human inside of me. I've already grown quite a bit since these family photos were taken a few weeks back by the wonderful Rachel Koontz.

I thought it was high time to resume the bumpdates that I had going the last time I was pregnant. Because its fun. And actually, I have been referring back to those bumpdates lately, trying to remember what I felt like back then. So it's helpful, at least to me!

How Far Along: 20 weeks - 5 months!

Gender: Unknown, but only for 1 more day!

Name: haa yeah right. Ideas please??

Sleeping? Yes! Thankfully. Although I'm beginning to think I need the body pillow I used the last time I was pregnant...

Eating: Fruit! And big breakfasts! My appetite has picked up significantly in the past few weeks, and I am hungry around the clock. Though by dinnertime I couldn't care less about eating. So my day starts out really hearty and healthy and kind of peters out... I wish I wanted to eat more vegetables, they are still grossing me out. Stevie's been force-feeding me asparagus and tomatoes. Yuck.

Emotional Check: I feel like my normal self - none of the mood swings I was experiencing during my first pregnancy! I used to cry all the time, but this pregnancy hasn't been anything like that. In fact, I am just feeling really energetic and alive these days. I'm trying to take advantage of this second tri burst of energy before it leaves me in the third tri. Meaning I've got like 6 half-finished house projects going on right now :)

Movement: Yes! I started feeling the baby move around 17 weeks, which was really reassuring and special. Feeling the baby move is always a turning point for me; beginning to feel connected to this alive little person inside. It's pretty remarkable, actually. I love the feeling, and it makes me super grateful that I am able to house this little treasure inside my body.

Looking Forward to: Finding out the gender this week! And going on a babymoon to London this week! <-- We are heading across the pond for a dear friend's wedding, but we are treating this little baby-free getaway as our last big alone trip before we become parents of two. My oh my. The time is passing me by, friends!

Wearing:
BCBG Maxi Dress (old, I've linked to a few similar below)

Stevie and I are doing our best to be intentional as a family of 3 before things change this holiday season. We want Everett to know how special and loved he is, even with all the changes of a new sibling that are upon us. Any ideas on how to get the most out of being a family of three? Any fun ideas for special dates to do with a 2-year old?

A great thanks to Rachel Koontz, Eyesong Photography for taking these lovely photos of my family :)

Thoughts on Another Baby.

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Stevie and Everett are my whole world. They are the hands I hold, whether we're in our back yard or at the park or on the city sidewalk. These two kindred spirits are my sweethearts, my heartbeat, my greatest voyage. They are mine. And I am almost painfully grateful for the gift it is to serve these two gentlemen with my life. Feminists, no need to cringe - I am treated like royalty by these two. We've got a mutual admiration society going in our household. We honor and serve one another, and my hope everyday is that Everett is catching on to that culture. Taking the cues from his Dad and learning from his mom. It's such a privilege, this opportunity to shape his worldview and raise his understanding. I am just in awe that I get to do this parenthood thing.

But with all of that love and adoration and basking in the adventure, I am often so exhausted I go numb. I am baffled by the enormity of what it takes to be a fully-present wife and mama. I am dumbfounded by how other women do it. How are they doing this so gracefully? Of course this leads to comparison and mom-guilt, which is stupid and unproductive, but it's real. How do women who work full-time do it all? How does that mama of 4 children do it all? I can't seem to keep my house clean, let alone manage all the other needs of this gig. These two boys have completely absorbed my life, and every last drop of my energy has gone into their happiness and wholeness.

Any mom can tell you that having a baby is hard. And any mom who chooses to breastfeed can tell you that choice is a sacrifice. And any mom whose baby won't take a bottle will tell you that it's an alarming scenario, because that means you can never ever EVER leave your child. And I will say "Amen" to all of those circumstances, because that was my situation when Everett came into my life. He was such a surprise. Such an immense blessing. The greatest gift I never asked for. And the most unraveling of my psyche. Being a mom is hard you guys. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing I would rather do than what I'm doing right now. But it's not a passive gig, having a child. It's not all Instagram cuteness and snuggles and reading books. It's sleep deprivation and body fluids absolutely everywhere and doctors visits that scare the hell out of you and being faced with decisions that you're 100% not ready to make. That's what having a baby is.

Is it crazy that I kind of want another one?

Yes. It is absolutely ludicrous.

I am grateful for the past six months. I feel like the pendulum has swung back in my direction, gifting me with my brain and my senses again. The first year of Everett's life was so intense and full-on, I felt like I was in survival mode to keep my head above water. I felt moments where I was tanking, and I often reached out to my right and my left for help. I am so grateful for the lifeboats all around me, those sweet souls whose words of truth and encouragement kept me afloat. And now I feel like I am really driving my ship again, doing my very best to steer in the direction I want to go.

Which is why, I'll be very honest, the thought of having another baby is a little frightening.

When I see my son playing with his little cousins, and I know he would thrive with a sibling in the house. Especially one that is close-ish in age. And when he sees other kids that are younger than him, he points and yells, "Baby! Mommy, baby!!" and is just so thrilled. I am certain that he would benefit enormously from a little sibling. And Stevie and I want a big family. We are both super close with our siblings and feel so much strength and camaraderie in those relationships. I certainly want Everett to experience the closeness and life-long companionship that is the gift of sibling-hood.

But honestly, it feels scary to go back to newborn land.

Is that selfish? I guess it probably is.

It's not just my selfishness that causes me to pause. It's also the fear that I won't love another baby as fiercely as my first. I LOVE my Everett so much. His presence in my life is the most illuminating gift I've ever been given. He causes me to see the world completely differently; so much better. He is hilarious and smart and silly and super free. I can already tell he is confident. He is poised to devour the world with his curiosity and humor. I can already sense his weaknesses. Even when he is prostrate on the floor, in an all-out tantrum, I can't help but giggle a little bit, because this boy has some fight in him. And I genuinely love his will and that spirited nature of his. He certainly won't go silently into the night. Heck, Everett didn't go silently into the night for the first 6 months of his life. As in, HE DID NOT SLEEP FOR 6 MONTHS STRAIGHT. But truly. How can I possibly love another little person just as much as this gorgeous, game-changing boy of mine? I mean, SERIOUSLY. What if the love just isn't as strong for another? How can my heart possibly expand any more? These might seem like silly questions, but they are the questions in my heart.

I'm just being really transparent. And my transparency is melting all over the weakest places in my heart and leaving me to wonder - will I ever, really, be ready though? I wasn't ready the first time around.

Are we ever really ready. For anything. Ever.

I have no poignant way to wrap up this conversation, because it is an ongoing dialogue in my head. But I am interested in hearing from those of you who decided to continue growing your family. I would love to hear the rationale behind the timing of your decision, how you spaced your kids apart (if you had the luxury of planning it!), and your fears, feelings, and joy about the outcome of those choices.

I know one thing for certain. I am ridiculously blessed to be Everett's mom. Best thing I've ever done with my time, ever. EVER. I guess that's kind of my answer right there, isn't it?

On the Living Room Floor.

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I'll admit. I haven't been having tons of fun lately.

Moving just isn't. It isn't! Yes, I am thrilled to be in my new home and yes, I am thrilled to start piecing together the decor and yes, of course I am excited about the prospects of my vegetable garden. May it be fruitful and multiply! (If my vegetables are fruitful, well then, we're on to something). But am I having fun? Am I doing fun things? Not really. Not yet.

I'm just unpacking.

It's hard, lame work. It takes forever. But it must be done. In order to find the socks and the light bulbs and the bobby pins and those little collar things Stevie puts in the corners of his dress shirts. It must be done.

So I've been an unpacking fool and I am equal parts annoyed and bored with the task because its taking FOREVERRRR. I just want to be done.

But on Sunday we took a break from all the painting and furniture moving and box unpacking and just let loose a bit. We actually enjoyed each other, as a family. The three of us. We went to church. Ate lunch. Played on our new rug in our new living room. Went plant shopping. Bought gardening tools. It almost felt normal. But what was even better is that it felt FUN. And it had honestly been a few weeks since I felt like, wow, that was really, truly fun.

I just wanted to share a few of these photos because they make me feel happy and content. And lately I haven't been either of those things. I just want to keep it real. Sometimes life isn't overly hard or too easy, but it's unfun. However, even in seasons of strangeness and moving and feeling unsettled and as if you've misplacing your purpose (perhaps it's in that box over there), there is still a chance. An opportunity to find the joy in something really small. Like watching your baby son stare out the glass door in the first home you've ever bought. Like watching your big tall husband play with the itty bitty fluffy stuffed animal on the living room floor. Like feeling the arms of my boy wrap all the way around my neck while I smother him in kisses. These things are so precious. These are my sweet moments of true fun, real joy.

I don't have a lot of boxes unpacked. I don't have a fancy job. I don't have a zillion dollars and I don't have the answers to most questions. But I have these two souls, and this moment right now, and this cozy living room floor. And that is enough fun, joy and laughter to give breath to my lifetime.