5 Things to be grateful for + a little bit of messy honesty.

Happy Monday!

I have a little thing I do when I'm a down. I take time to stop and reflect on my current situation and find reasons to be grateful. I wanted to share this with you today because I've been using this little exercise a lot more lately and I am hoping it will help encourage you in your current state, too :)

Lately, I'm feeling grateful for:

1. Everett eating apples these days. If you know our toddler struggles with healthy food, you know what a wonderfully big deal this is. He's asking to eat green apples! God loves me you guys.

2. Our new landscape. We had a few trees removed, a few trees planted, a ton of shrubs installed, a slew of beautiful stones and a dump truck of mulch fluffed all around our yard. I am like an 80-year-old garden lover in a 20-something body. I LOVE MY YARD. And it is giving me peace. And giving the birds a reason to come visit.

3. The birds are visiting my yard. This really deserves it's own line in my book of gratitude. I LOVE BIRDS. Add it to my list of elderly female hobbies. If you have a grandma, she and I would surely have a lot to discuss.

4. My baby boy Daxton is rolling over. Not all the time, but he's done it from front-to-back and from back-to-front and it honestly shocks me. And reminds me about how fast this baby thing goes the second time around.

5. Health. Safety. Recovery. America. Chocolate, which I'm allowing myself to have again, after about a month of no sweets and no alcohol. What even ever. Mama needs chocolate. And wine, if we're being really honest.

6. Okay, a bonus gratitude because I'm currently watching my two boys "playing" together on the floor and it's really making me smile. Watching the two of them together is as heart warming as everyone told me it would be. Actually, it's even better :)

I've been overwhelmed, friends.

It's been utterly hard. I am grateful for my friend Laura, who told me, "Hard is hard." I've been feeling a little embarrassed about how hard it's felt for me these last few months. So many people have it harder than me, so I have a difficult time putting my feelings into words when I feel like someone out there has it worse off than me. But her words have helped me. "Hard is hard" means that my hard still matters. Just because someone else's hard seems more challenging or more deserving of the title - my experience is still allowed to be hard.

Hard is hard, friends.

I don't have this wrapped up in a pretty bow. I don't have a lot of answers today, or a 3-point blog post featuring my revelatory and wondrous advice, or the 10 secrets to successfully winning at life after having a hard time. I'm in the middle of a process, on the road in this journey, in the midst of figuring out what's going to work. I'm praying, I'm researching, I'm meeting with people. I'm supported.

I'm messy these days, unraveling and undone. But I'm not alone. And while I'm tempted to linger in a minefield of my own feelings, I am at my best when I channel that energy into my health and most importantly - others. Meditating on these things I'm grateful for has helped bridge my feelings into positive action. I'm not saying it's the answer in life, but it has been a lifeline for me personally.

I hope you'll allow me to be this vulnerable with you. I took a week off the blog last week, which is the first time that has happened in years. I needed it, and there might be more hiatuses in the coming months as I figure out this balance of motherhood, family and writing. I appreciate all of you out there reading, because you have given me the opportunity to make this blog a place where I am always uplifted and inspired. You are loved, appreciated and celebrated by me! Thanks for reading this little corner of the internet. xox.

A Moment for Me.

A Moment for Me.

It's 9:21 am and I am finally sitting down to my cup of coffee.

And an egg with avocado toast. Mmm. The smell of my coffee signals my consciousness that it's finally here, the coveted me time of the day. It's already been a maniacal morning, but in this very moment, a stillness washes over the room and I am almost at peace.

The baby is down for his morning nap, the husband is off at the salt mines (just kidding, work), and I have a few holy moments all to myself. Sometimes its hard to know quite what to do with these moments. There is a battle in my chest (I always imagine my mind in my chest, I don't know why?) throwing arrows at each other for who wins the awarded me time today. There is a rush from one side of my mind/chest that overwhelms me in a swelling wave, "Pick up the vacuum cleaner! Throw in that load of laundry (or 6)! Get started on food prep for dinner!", and there's another part of me that shouts, "Do something for yourself! Write that collaborative post for such and such company! Throw on some yoga pants and stretch! Submit a story to Real Simple Magazine (like you've been wanting to do)! Get back to those 6 people hanging out in your Gmail inbox that are waiting for your response!" Yes, the battle might seem silly to you. But it's my internal struggle. And then there's the never-ending to-do list. That could use some of my attention, as well. But the truth is, none of those things will reallllllly make me feel accomplished or valuable. In the moment, yes, I can do a few of those tasks and check the boxes on my list. And that is a good, valid reason to feel some sort of meaning today.  But I want more than to just feel good and valid.

Sitting silently, hands cupped around this beautiful piece of glazed pottery containing the morning's mystical blackened ambrosia, well, that's just what I'm going to do right now. I'm going to sit. In silence. And I'm gonna drink my coffee.

Eyes closed, mug poised at my lips, I am going to quite literally drink in this whole long moment. You know what happens during this quiet moment? I get really, really grateful. This spirit of gratitude comes in its quiet, humble sort of way, and without asking permission, walks silently across the battlefield of my mind (chest). A hush. The quivers drop. The arrows fall lifelessly mid-flight. This little spirit of gratitude, looking much like Piglet from Winne the Pooh, hovers its way out onto the battle field. Stands there for a moment. And all of a sudden there is nothing sudden. Stillness extends from the east to the west of my internal atlas and the menace has halted. This is the moment, the one I've been waiting for.

I'm am going to gobble this moment up, whole, cultivating some meditation. The gratitude. It reminds me that I am a blessed woman, with a beautiful family to call mine. This family. The ones whom I've sacrificed much for - a slammin' career, a perfectly toned physique, all kinds of delicious selfish pursuits, and sometimes my sanity. But this sublime pyramid of human joy whom I am so proud of, so thrilled to be part of building; these sweet spirits who I would gladly tumble over a cliff for. My Stevie and my Everett. I am so grateful for this life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I would choose the path I've experienced over anyone else's life because it has been the sweetest, most personally deepening and even more surprising than I could have ever conjured.

Thank you Lord. I am appreciative for this moment on my morning, thankful for the reminder to be grateful, thankful for the truth that nothing worth having ever comes easily. But it is so worth it. And as the baby begins to cry again, I take a deep breath, because I am recharged with a faith in myself. Recharged with the peace. Recharged with the precious, darling caffeine.

Here We Go!

Photo Credit: Nancy Hostetler

Feeling Grateful. And Hungry.

Oh life. Needless to say, I've been feeling a lot over the past several months. Nausea, exhaustion, cravings, yes. Crazy dreams and outbursts of sweat, sure. A ravenous appetite for bacon, it's true. But we will get to all of that. Even more than all of those things, I've been equally enamored with reflection and planning ahead for the future. It's amazing how a teeny, tiny second line on a test can cause you to evaluate everything - the home you live in, the career choices you've made, the relationships in which you invest. It's an incredible rush and also a daunting responsibility. I'm supposed to be ready to raise another human, but WOW I feel pretty inadequate to do so. I feel like I don't know enough bible verses. Or how to soothe a crying anything.

I'm sure everyone feels this way at first. I hope.

I just want to say thank you. I'm so grateful to everyone for the well-wishes and congrats on our little one, coming in August! Stevie and I are super excited and feeling really blessed. I'm currently at 13 weeks and still feeling rather puny, but I'm holding onto hope (shout out, E!) that the next several weeks will bring all the relief the second trimester promises. Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement - it really means a lot!

Since this is the biggest change of our lives, I want to share about this journey here on the blog. Have no fear, all of you who loathe "mommy bloggers"! I don't intend to focus soley on pregnancy/baby-related topics. I still cook. Audition. Write. I still explore my city (well, let's be honest... I've been a couch potato for 3 months. I have high hopes to return to normal life again and explore!) Stevie and I still have aspirations to travel and goof off. Our obsession with visiting our families a million times a year will only be compounded by the fact that now, we have another reason to! All good things.

Thank you again for sharing in our joy. We are feeling the love :-)

How to Combat Stress.

Sleep much? 

I took a moment to breathe this morning.

Whew.

Full disclosure. I've had insomnia since we moved to NYC. I just can't sleep. Lists keep running in my head like the opening, scrolling scene of Star Wars. Long long lists that appear to extend into the darkness of outer space... it's odd. "

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away....

I dreamed of moving to New York!" And now here we are. It's an odd exhilaration, because I've also been on an extreme high, thrilled to walk down the street to the drycleaners JUST BECAUSE I AM IN NEW YORK. I feel like I'm hopped up on coffee all day long (even though it's only half), yet my frenzied heart can't rest when the nighttime comes and the lights get turned off. Frantic, flooded with to-do's, drowning with feeling like I'm ever-so-late to the game. What game? I don't really know. Isn't that the lie we all believe when we're trying to do something new? I am attempting to juggle several things and it's keeping me awake. It's sort of silly. But not, because the bloodshot eyes are starting to make me look like I'm on something. I know I'm not the only person in the world to experience this. But I've got to get it under control. Because sleep is necessary to accomplishing all those to-do's!

So, I decided to set all my lists and to-do's aside and just reflect. Just for a hot minute. 60 seconds, that's all.

Ha. It hit me all at once. The bevy of beautiful people who are WONDERFUL and love me so vastly. The smiles of my loved ones blur together into a sloppy, gleeful image in my mind, and wow. I am so grateful. My thoughtful sister who sent me a powerful book on art in the mail last week and my dearest friend who sent me a delightful Anthropologie housewarming present in the mail this week. The flowers my Aunt sent. My mom, who has called me and encouraged me everyday. My cousins, my sisters, my Dad, my friends. They care. Sheesh I am so blessed. I am overwhelmed with the unfathomable, infectious, present-infused love. And I am so incredibly thankful for these genuine pillars of strength in my life. These people quite literally create a firm foundation; I believe I can be big and strong because they tell me I can.

Get Grateful.

So I just want to encourage you today. Stress, anxiety, tension; they're all natural responses to transition. And if you're experiencing transition, whether severe or thrilling or somewhere in between, you don't have to experience an on-going bought of the painful stress. Take a moment, allow yourself to focus on the beautiful gifts around you, the joy of your relationships, even the lovely colors of summer. Whatever it takes. For your mind to quiet, your face to relax, your eyes to finally close. Your gratitude breeds peace. And once you have that peace, it's yours to keep.

Try It.

If you need to do an exercise to pull you out of a funk, unearth some of that pretty stationary that I know is sitting somewhere in a side drawer. Take a moment to think about 3 people who have really impacted your personal journey in the past year. It might be your mom, it might be your husband, it might even be a co-worker that you're not that close with, but has recognized your contributions and verbalized it. Whoever comes to mind, take 5 minutes and write it down. Tell them why they are wonderful to you. I promise that you will feel. So good. And now... look what you've done! Not only did you quiet your mind and find your peace, but now you're giving it away to others! Mmm win/win. Stamp it. Mail it.

Final Note.

In case you haven't heard it yet, you are enough. All the to-do's, the busyness, the job stress, the family tensions and the responsibility you feel toward all of it. Of course you have your reasons to be stressed. Of course you are justified in all your emotions. And there is probably so much that "needs" to be done today. However, you just need to know. You are. Enough. Just you. So give yourself a slice of grace today. Because seriously, you are enough.

Love to you today.